Be Strong!

posted in OHC286 on Apr 03, 2014
Separated from your companions and trapped at the bottom of a mysterious cave with vampires 'n' shit, you just have to.

Killer, the rabbit

posted in OHC149 on Aug 18, 2011
I saw a couple walking a pet rabbit today and was determined to write a song about it. The rabbit's name is Kelly, but eh, close enough.

Sappy song, GO!

Ahh Killer
where would I be without you?
as I walk with you along the street
every single person that we meet
is with no exception swept off their feet
oh Killer, you and I are two of a kind

Ahh Killer
where do you fit in the grand design?
there's never been another like you
since I met you I always knew
that you'd always help me when I was blue
oh Killer, where would I be without you?

Character Development

posted in OHC147 on Aug 04, 2011
The voices in my head sometimes lead me to do horrible things like make marshmallow-roasting implements out of my teacher's skull, but usually they just make me steal drugs humiliate me with ridiculous shit.

Another week, another secret
the last one was a bit too big, I fear
well this one will be a lot smaller:
I have a second head inside my ear

I always trust it, it never steers me wrong
though its commands are sometimes quite macabre
that's why I'm singing it to sleep with this song
my name is Tom, but he calls me Bob

The other day I went to the store
and he forced me to rob the pharmacy
and it was so very effective
to sell back the ones that weren't OTC

You might have heard of my human sacrifices,
well now you know why I did the deed
the banjo playing stops with my vices
here it comes again, Ned, what do you NEED?!

Use the money from the stolen drugs
and use it to buy twelve dozen rugs
then run on out in your underpants
stand on your lawn and dance, dance, dance
once you pass out, wake back up
make some coffee and drink a cup
then call up your friend and sing a little ditty
accompanied by nothing but this horrible MIDI

South Bank Blues

posted in OHC146 on Jul 28, 2011
It's just some random piano stuff, inspired by a recent trip to London and wandering around solo in said city. I'm rusty playing live piano, so it's not the best, but it's something a bit different from the usual, at least.

Bob Dylan's 115^314th Dream In Space

posted in OHC144 on Jul 14, 2011
I woke up this morning I could not remember a thing
so I went downstairs right as my phone began to ring
I picked it up and said "hey there, who am I"
and they said "send us a payment or soon you're gonna die"
I ran outside and was suddenly chased by alien bankers
and a ship outside of my house the size of 10 oil tankers

I said "do I owe you" as I dodged their raining fists
they said "yes, this is the 50,000th installment that you missed"
I apologized and told the man I'd been having a nap,
but give me a second to get my checkbook and I'll be back ASAP
somebody once said it's a great thing to start out with a clean slate
but I've only been up for two minutes and I already don't know my fate.

Lament in G Minor

posted in OHC143 on Jul 07, 2011
Hey hey, what do you know
it's time to go outside
and I know it will be sunny
because it's always sunny
whenever I go outside

Hey hey, it's my lucky day
because today is a day
and it will be so lucky
because I'm the luckiest
guy in the world

I win the lottery every day
and have beautiful women knocking on my door every night
and then I wake up and I realize
that's not actually my life

Hey, hey, it's a miserable day
I haven't seen the sun in weeks
and every time it's not a billion degrees
my town is overrun with greeks

The Cyborg Sensation

posted in OHC136 on May 19, 2011
"blink it and you'll miss it"? In my defense, I started drinking a while before the compo even started this time. I hope you all dance to this.

Everybody's talking about the new sensation
where you get turned into a big cyborg
everyone who's done it is filled with elation
there is no regret, the craze is sweeping the nation

Come on down and join in our cyborg army
we are gonna make a new society
everybody's talking about the new sensation,
it's a real riot now come with me, hee hee

hey ma look at me I just installed a third arm
now I can chop broccoli while I play video games
it makes it harder to play basketball
but easier to box

I can sorta fly if I really try hard
actually it's more like jumping
now I weigh, like, 700 pounds, so I can't jump very high
blink it and you'll miss it

Everybody's talking about the new sensation
going to the club and giving each other high 8s
if you don't come join us it's no fabrication,
we will all be cyborgs and you will be too late
The mix is a little wonky, but here are the lyrics:

I've got a secret to let you in on
I had to wait until I got to know you
it's not the kind of thing you want to begin on
but I think that now it's time to show you

Right through this door is where I'm working on it
my secret project that I hold so dear
it's not a robot and it's not a bonnet
but every day I want it to be near, it's my

portable marshmallow roaster
that I made out of human bones
it's better than a campfire or toaster
but if you make too many you will be all alone

I thought of this in my high school math class
while trying not to learn geometry
the teacher caught me looking out to the grass
and said "son, stay after and see me"

So I did and continued to ignore him
until the time did come that h e let me free
after which I began to bore him
a new hole in his skull, which is what you're seeing with me,


you can put one on each side of the jaw bone,
and fill the cavity with kerosene,
the jaw hinge works as a flint for a lighter,
and the constant fire assures that it all stays clean

I hope this secret doesn't really disturb you
I assume that I can have your trust
Unlike the others that I've shown my secret basement
that you're looking at, now keep your mouth shut, you must, after

seeing my

portable marshmallow roaster
that I made out of human bones
it's better than a campfire or toaster
but if you make too many you will be all alone
Votes (9)
Round Date
OHC288 Apr 17, 2014
OHC275 Jan 16, 2014
OHC273 Jan 02, 2014
OHC266 Nov 14, 2013
OHC255 Sep 05, 2013
OHC144 Jul 14, 2011
OHC136 May 19, 2011
OHC135 May 12, 2011
OHC133 Apr 28, 2011