Raise the Stakes

posted in 2HTS395 on Oct 24, 2021
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raise the stakes

before the dawn

undead relate

the harvest song

craving

embrace the tomb

embracing

crave the bloom

petals rot

a darkened sky

tooth and vein

grim delight

craving

embrace the tomb

embracing

crave the bloom

Relationshit

posted in 2HTS389 on Sep 12, 2021
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ive given you everything you could need

there is nothing to want for

food and a place to defecate

there's one final step we must take

you will learn to love me

i will make you love me

you will come to love me... or else

you will learn to love me

i will make you love me

you will come to love me... or else

no one can hear your screaming

why do you shy away when i draw near

i'll remove the chains if you start behaving

and if you're a good girl i'll take you outside

you will learn to love me

i will make you love me

you will come to love me... or else

you will learn to love me

i will make you love me

you will come to love me... or else

Fossilized

posted in 2HTS387 on Aug 29, 2021
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when you're old

put in a home

you've been forgotten

now you're alone

melt into your chair

why should you care

they change your diaper

and give you drugs

you can sit back and watch The Price is Right

as you slowly turn into a fossil

waiting for your chance to walk into the light

as you slowly turn into a fossil

poop in a bag

pee in your pants

they change you daily

with your sponge bath

you once had dreams

but now they're over

the Shinigami

is drawing closer

you can sit back and watch them Dance with the Stars

as you slowly turn into a fossil

waiting for your chance to walk into the light

as you slowly turn into a fossil

you can sit back and watch Family Feud (where's Richard Dawson? Who is this 'Steve Harvey'?!)

as you slowly turn into a fossil

waiting for your chance to walk into the light

as you slowly turn into a fossil

Philostopher

posted in 2HTS385 on Aug 15, 2021
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Mystery

Ontology

Purview of the wise

all of the questions

none of the answers

are supplied

can you use a ferret as a fleshlight?

Can a toothless toddler give good head?

if your cancer stricken 2nd cousin dies

is it really incest if she's dead?

if you masturbate watching a sunrise

does that mean you're mindfucking a star?

if you get a boner while you're driving

does that mean you want to fuck your car?

Epistimology

Dichotomy

twixt soul and mind

so many queries

afflict mankind

can you use a ferret as a fleshlight?

Can a toothless toddler give good head?

if your cancer stricken 2nd cousin dies

is it really incest if she's dead?

if you masturbate watching a sunrise

does that mean you're mindfucking a star?

if you get a boner while you're driving

does that mean you want to fuck your car?


Late Entry

Ronin with the Devil

posted in 2HTS384 on Aug 08, 2021
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check out my oiled katana

there's something dripping off

wouldn't want to get any on ya

it's longer than that wakazashi

just gunna slide it in... sukoshi

kono katana wa ore no ooki inkei desu

ore wa anata ni ore no ooki inkei iremasu

kono katana wa ore no ooki inkei desu

ore wa anata ni ore no ooki inkei iremasu

sitting atop the rice balls

sharpened sword looking for a sheath

when this massive blade falls

separate the chaff from wheat

i see you admire it

now turn around and face the wall

don't bother crying 'yamate!'

no one can hear you call

kono katana wa ore no ooki inkei desu

ore wa anata ni ore no ooki inkei iremasu

kono katana wa ore no ooki inkei desu

ore wa anata ni ore no ooki inkei iremasu

Late Entry

Peering Into the Future

posted in 2HTS383 on Aug 01, 2021
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Cursed with the gift of prophecy

images of what will come to be

not sure if i'm going out of my mind

the present is cloudy the future is night

peering into the future

peering into the future

calamities up ahead

tides of blood

stacking the dead

can't tell now from then

are you here

or a memory of when?

peering into the future

peering into the future

am i in the future

trapped outside the now

can you read the writing

the when the where the how

am i in the future

trapped outside the now

can you read the writing

the when the where the how

peering into the future...

Late Entry

Explosion

posted in 2HTS380 on Jul 11, 2021
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things are going great

on our first date

when i get you home

prepare for an explosion

i'm not out of line

and you're lookin' fine

when i get you home

prepare for an explosion

take off your clothes and lay on the bed

meaty shaft pointed straight at your head

sticky white goo an eruption that spews

exiting me

spilling onto you

i hope you don't don't

volume of some reknown

hope you have eye protection

swallow my explosion

let me get a towel

and a garden hose

hope you brought shampoo

bathe in my explosion

take off your clothes and lay on the bed

meaty shaft pointed straight at your head

sticky white goo an eruption that spews

exiting me

spilling onto you

protein spilling out of me

protein dripping onto you

...

take off your clothes and lay on the bed

meaty shaft pointed straight at your head

sticky white goo an eruption that spews

exiting me

spilling onto you



Tubby Tuxes Terminate

posted in 2HTS379 on Jul 04, 2021
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see them

in the alleys

predators

in search of meat

broken streetlight

empty dreams

shabby tuxes

swollen bellies

bloody fangs, claws and eyes

fat and happy...happy hunting

caressed by soft fur

as you die

territory

that they roam

hungry kitties

hunt alone

feeding every night

sleeping every day

overweight tuxedo cats

standing in your way

shabby tuxes

swollen bellies

bloody fangs, claws and eyes

fat and happy... happy hunting (repeat)


Stallion on Cow

posted in 2HTS378 on Jun 27, 2021
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i'm getting bored

workin' this farm

need a distraction

an invention or such

animal husbandry

abusing technology

space age aphrodisiacs

in the feed

Stallion on cow! They'll make creepy babies

Stallion on cow! This milk tastes like glue

Stallion on cow! an unusual coupling

they don't seem to know what to do

The first time the horse

aimed for the anus

the second time

he aimed for the mouth

i got them turned 'round

lubed and excited

now let's turn the web cam on

Stallion on cow! They'll make creepy babies

Stallion on cow! This milk tastes like glue

Stallion on cow! an unusual coupling

now they seem to know what to do

i wouldn't call it romance

i wouldn't call it natural

i wouldn't call it moral

but it's not technically illegal (but it should be!)

Stallion on cow! They'll make creepy babies

Stallion on cow! This milk tastes like glue

Stallion on cow! an unusual coupling

now they're performing for you

Lowest Man

posted in 2HTS376 on Jun 13, 2021
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Wait!

let him go first

he's a busy man

don't get in the way

our needs

are greater than yours

there's enough to go around

but go back to the end of the line


lowest man on the totem pole

get thee behind me

a worthless pawn in the abyss of the world

get thee behind me


Stop!

let me cut in with my friends

out lives have meaning

and you're a lonely little toad

don't make a fuss

stay meek and quiet

you don't wanna make a scene

because they all might stare and laugh at you


lowest man on the totem pole

get thee behind me

a worthless pawn in the abyss of the world

get thee behind me

Archimedes

posted in 2HTS375 on Jun 06, 2021
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watch the watcher

on the tower of lies

inside outside

neither applies

the death's head that's been stalking you

reflected in the snow capped mirror

the outline of her face

reminds you of the last place

that you saw her

the seers have been seeing you

they carve your fate with their blunted knives

the guardians no longer guarding you

purchasing power empty lives

the death's head that's been stalking you

reflected in the snow capped mirror

the outline of her face

reminds you of the last place

that you saw her

I'll see you again in the depths of nightmare

I'll see you again in the depth of nightmare

i'll see you again in the death of your nightmare

i'll see you again in the depth of your nightmare

Yeet Kun Do

posted in 2HTS372 on May 16, 2021
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MMA, UFC

what fighting style reigns surpreme

capoeira jeet kun do

or is it one that you don't know

Penis Fu is the deadliest martial art

slap 'em upside the head

or light 'em ablaze with your farts

strikers and grapplers

shaking with fearing

the unzipping of your pants

it's the last thing they hear

a blow to the head

or violate them instead

either way

your opponent winds up dead

Penis Fu is the deadliest martial art

slap 'em upside the head

or light 'em ablaze with your farts


The Hitcher

posted in 2HTS370 on May 02, 2021
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there's a guy with his thumb out

by the side of the road

he looks pretty shady

he looks kinda old

don't pull over and let him inside

or this'll be the day, the day that you die

don't stop the car and give him a ride

or this'll be the day, the day that you die

you won't be his first

nor his last

they can't find the bodies

they don't know his past

don't pull over and give him a ride

or this'll be the day, the day that you die

don't stop the car and let him inside

or this'll be the day, the day that you die


Bet She Didn't See That Comin'

posted in 2HTS364 on Mar 21, 2021
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Dingy storefront

Bad part of town

beaded curtain

faux Romani gown

peddling lies

discounted price

an angry spouse

a fateful surprise

bet she didn't see that comin'

a faithful husband whose wife just left him

bet she didn't see that comin'

there in the rain

holding a gun

a bad cold read

misread the signs

a couples' marriage

falsely maligned

filled the wife's head

with doubt and dismay

now the husband's here

to make her pay

bet she didn't see that comin'

a faithful husband whose wife just left him

bet she didn't see that comin'

there in the rain

holding a gun

It's All True

posted in 2HTS361 on Feb 28, 2021
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interdimensional scavengers

seeking out

worlds to conquer

using earth as a base

enslavement of the human race

buy, consume, obey

buy, consume, ask no questions

buy, consume, obey

buy, consume, ask no questions

disguised as humans

positions of power

expanding influence

ivory towers

you pass them by every day

you don't notice

but you do what they say

buy, consume, obey

buy, consume, ask no questions

buy, consume, obey

buy, consume, ask no questions

Generic Horror Movie

posted in 2HTS360 on Feb 21, 2021
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wanna take a trip with me?

secluded lake house in the trees

spend the weekend with some friends

ignoring all those stupid legends

fifty years ago 

he murdered his family

and they say that

he still roams

'neath this forest canopy

hunting down teenagers and 

any who would dare

spend the night 

in his lake cabin

hey have you seen Bobby or Sue

i think they went into the woods

you can guess what to do

hey did you hear that?

thought i heard a scream

i hear a noise outside

let's go take a peek

fifty years ago 

he murdered his family

and they say that

he still roams

'neath this forest canopy

hunting down teenagers and 

any who would dare

spend the night 

in his lake cabin

Dual Genre Shenanigans

posted in 2HTS358 on Feb 07, 2021
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She took my truck

and she stole my dog

now i'm alone

sippin' from my jug

of moonshine

i got laid off

trailer's been forclosed

and grandpappy's farm

has been bulldozed

it's called progess

they built a mall

where the crops used to grow

paved over hills

where the cattle used to go

she took my truck

and she stole my dog

now i'm alone

sippin' from my jug

of moonshine

Spermo the Mighty Traveller

posted in 2HTS357 on Jan 31, 2021
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I'm at the front of the chase

I'm gunna win this race

I am so far ahead

the others are just being led

traveling through the womb

the egg we're heading to

will take one of us inside

a foetus will arise

nothing will stop me

neither rubber nor foam nor IUD

almost at the end of my journey

I'm gunna be a baby

traveling through the womb

the egg we're heading to

will take one of us inside

a foetus shall arise

 

 

Making of stream can be found here: https://www.twitch.tv/urinalpooper

Roll Tide

posted in 2HTS356 on Jan 24, 2021
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Laundry Day!

you've got a basket of shame

filthy underpants

tell-tale stains

yellow in front

brown in the rear

now you regret

not wiping clear

Roll Tide!  Gets the crust off your jeans

Roll Tide!  makes your cloths clean

Roll Tide!  will unstiffen your socks

Roll Tide!  even the one for your cock

Laundry Time!

the hamper is full

overpowering stench

assaulting you

puke on your shirt

blood on your hat

there's no time

to dry clean that

Roll Tide!  Gets the crust off your jeans

Roll Tide!  makes your cloths clean

Roll Tide!  will unstiffen your socks

Roll Tide!  even the one for your cock

Karma Insurance Agent

posted in 2HTS355 on Jan 17, 2021
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Free yourself

from the cycle

of death and rebirth

I saved fifteen percent

by switching

my karma insurance to Geico

Living without intent

might cleanse your soul

or see you reborn 

as a gecko

i saved fifteen percent

by switching

my karma insurance to Geico

 

Party Like It's 2021

posted in 2HTS353 on Jan 03, 2021
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I got the resolution to Have Fun"  so I decided to go with a party-anthem type song.

 

Grab yourself a cup

there's a keg out back

we got a mirror full of coke

and a pipe full of crack

brought some Everclear

we got kool aid too

get a garbage can

we'll make that jungle juice

Party!

like you're still in college

Party!

like you're back in school

Party!

like there's no tomorrow

Party!

like you're still cool

stripper's here at midnight

grab a seat by the pole

hope you brought some singles

to shove in her hole

you got fifty dollars?

there's handjobs on the porch

ATM's round the corner

if you come up short

Party!

like you're still in college

Party!

like you're back in school

Party!

like there's no tomorrow

Party!

like you're still cool

 

Fallen

posted in 2HTS352 on Dec 27, 2020
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you got the clothes 

you got the car

you got the best kind of friends

you own the school 

you own the mall

a model since you were ten

you're parents buy you things

and that's the best kind of love

but dad's embezzling 

now he's got a beef with the law

here come the legal fees

you're out on the streets

you find the needle

suck a cock

and now you're fucked 

because you've 

FALLEN

you're turning tricks to make enough to get

something to eat

you need a fix

you need a score

something that won't draw the heat

you'd go insane

see what remains

compared to all that you had

you start to choke

you overdosed

actually, you're glad

because you've

FALLEN

couch bound

posted in 2HTS345 on Nov 08, 2020
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i am in my house

ive not left my couch

just so i can watch television

i don't need to leave here

i've already enough beer

just so i can watch television

 

There's Ho Place Like Gnome

posted in 2HTS342 on Oct 18, 2020
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There's ho place like gnome

beware when we roam

we'll sneak up behind you

crack open your dome

there's ho place like gnome

we'll enter your home

crawl up your pant leg

and give you our foam

pointy hats exploring your crotch

filthy beards getting you hot

tiny fingers all up inside

little legs take you on a ride

there's ho place like gnome

so get on your phone

call your friends over

and let if be known that

there's ho place like gnome

it's time for the bone

so spread those sweet ass-cheeks 

and feel how it's grown

pointy hats exploring your crotch

filthy beards getting you hot

tiny fingers all up inside

little legs take you on a ride

perverted gnomes stole my girlfriend

perverted gnomes took her away from me

perverted gnomes stole my girlfriend

perverted gnomes just like me

Raise the Bar

posted in 2HTS339 on Sep 27, 2020
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James Cameron doesn't do what James Cameron does for James Cameron

James Cameron does what James Cameron does because James Cameron is James Cameron

at the bottom of the sea

away from you and me

things Cousteau would never see

scripting Titanic 2 and 3

James Cameron doesn't do what James Cameron does for James Cameron

James Cameron does what James Cameron does because James Cameron is James Cameron

at the bottom of the ocean

alone within his mind

setting things in motion

for Avatars 8 and 9

ALL YOUR BASS

posted in 2HTS337 on Sep 13, 2020
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S0M3B0DY S3T US UP TH3 B0MB!!11

M4IN SCR33N TURN 0N

4LL YU0R B4S3 4R3 B3L0NG T0 US!!!!1

M4K3 YU0R TIM3

F0R GR34T JUSTIC3

MILLHU0S3 WILL N3V3R B3 4 M3M3

YU0 C4NT 3V3N TRIF0RC3

4ND WHY 4INT YU0R T3XT GR33N??//?

MILLHU0S3 C4N N3V3R B3 4 M3M3

YU0 JUST G0T DUCK-R0LL3D!!!!111

I S33 IT 0N YU0R SCR33N

Pilgrimage to Boobsville

posted in 2HTS335 on Aug 30, 2020
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journey of enlightenment

in your pants a tent

singles to be spent

instead of paying rent

daytime trip the titty bar

try to ignore that appendectomy scar

the dancers over the hill but they go so far

on a pilgrimage to the go-go bar

voyage to expand your mind

see the cellulite on their behinds

it's 2PM good time to unwind

spread the cash around you're being kind

daytime trip the titty bar

try to ignore that appendectomy scar

the dancers over the hill but they go so far

on a pilgrimage to the go-go bar

blowies in a filthy mens room

grabbing saggy tits

a lapdance from someone's grandma

your spirit has been cleansed

daytime trip the titty bar

try to ignore that appendectomy scar

the dancers over the hill but they go so far

on a pilgrimage to the go-go bar

 

HIVe

posted in 2HTS334 on Aug 23, 2020
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honey for the hive

the colony must thrive

we got the drones we got the jelly

and the eggs in our queen's belly

we got stingers in the rear

the allergic seem to fear

we swarm to our defenses

seen through multi-facet lenses

polinate polinate

flowers and the trees

visited by bees

inseminate inseminate

flowers and the trees

impregnated by bees

honey that we make

isn't yours to take

we got the works and the wax

we are yellow striped with black

we fly low we fly high

then the meadow comes alive

we work hard

and we're coming to your yard

polinate polinate

flowers and the trees

visited by bees

inseminate inseminate

flowers and the trees

impregnated by bees

 

Family Game Night

posted in 2HTS332 on Aug 09, 2020
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Play strip poker at a family reunion

uncle tony marked the cards

and everyone's losing

mom should have followed her own advice

a clean pair of bloomers would have been nice

grandma lost her blouse

grandpa lost his pants

now is not a good time to sit in someone's lap

uncle tony's racking up a wardrobe of his own

will he give the clothing back

or will he take it home?

cousin edna's standing there in nothing but her thong

you want to grab her dimpled ass

but you know it's wrong

at the kiddy table things are downright illegal

and how the hell did someone win

the collar from your beagle?

playing strip poker at a family reunion

only one winner

but you're all losers

where'd you hide that ace?

you don't got no sleeves

there's a jack on the river

hard nipples on the queen

grandma lost her blouse

grandpa lost his pants

now is not a good time to sit in someone's lap

uncle tony's racking up a wardrobe of his own

will he give the clothing back

or will he take it home?

cousin edna's standing there in nothing but her thong

you want to grab her dimpled ass

but you know it's wrong

at the kiddy table things are downright illegal

and how the hell did someone win

the collar from your beagle?

Single Malt

posted in 2HTS329 on Jul 19, 2020
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Note:  this song is not written from my perspective i prefer Lagavulin to all others.

 

I like my whiskey from the highlands

i don't care for island malts

i want my whiskey from the highlands

the others seem to have their faults

gimme Dalmore

gimme Oban

gimme Glenmorangie

gimme Ardmore

gimme Wolfburn

gimme Drumguish

gimme Milburn

gimme Knockdhu

gimme Tomatin

gimme Balbair

gimme Deanston

gimme Glendronach

all the best whiskeys from the highlands

i won't leave it up to chance

get your whiskey from the highlands

and drink 'em til you shit your pants.

 

Unholy Guacamole

posted in 2HTS328 on Jul 12, 2020
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Have you tried it?  Unholy Guacamole

dark monks supplied it.  Unholy Guacamole

you can't hide it.  Unholy Guacamole

from those who decry it.  Unholy Guacamole

shove it down your hole

the sacred avocado

spread it on your toast

your mind becomes its host

have you seen it?  Unholy Guacamole

do you mean it?  Unholy Guacamole

you cannot clean it.  Unholy Guacamole

until they screen it.  Unholy Guacamole

shove it down your hole

the sacred avocado

spread it on your toast

your mind becomes its host

the world is done.  Unholy Guacamole

they blot the sun.  Unholy Guacamole

you've had your fun.  Unholy Guacamole

how green your come?  Unholy Guacamole

shove it down your hole

the sacred avocado

spread it on your toast

your mind becomes its host

 

Lava Colossal

posted in 2HTS327 on Jul 05, 2020
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quiet valley town

peaceful morning

sun is rising

a distant roar is heard

sleeping god

no longer dormant

ash begins to fall

followed by a wall lava

every road is closed

there's no path to salvation

gases fill the air

suffocate

incinerate

every trace erased

covered with boiling stone

ash begins to fall

followed by a wall lava

every road is closed

there's no path to salvation

 

Pilsner and Pills

posted in 2HTS323 on Jun 07, 2020
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I have an appointment with my doctor

behind Red Lobster money changes hands

I've had a lot to drink

but it's never enough

I've had a lot to drink

but it's never enough

to dull the pain of being me

yellows, reds and blues in a plastic bag

they make me numb

even though i'm still sad

I've had a lot to drink

but it's never enough

I've had a lot to drink

but it's never enough

to dull the pain of being me

kriketz

posted in 2HTS321 on May 24, 2020
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explanation

where have you been

whose cologne is that

i smell on your skin

when i say, i love you

i hear crickets

ask if you've been faithful

i hear crickets

do you want to breakup?

i hear crickets

tell you that i'm leaving

i hear crickets

indication

of how you feel

show some emotion

and make it real

when i say, i love you

i hear crickets

ask if you've been faithful

i hear crickets

do you want to breakup?

i hear crickets

tell you that i'm leaving

i hear crickets

Bored AF

posted in 2HTS320 on May 17, 2020
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i've got nothing to do

nothing with which to occupy my mind

 

i'm so bored

i need a distraction

already watched netflix

and fingered my girlfriend

i'm so bored

there's nothing to do here

i need something

to fill my empty mind

 

i need entertainment

anything to avoid

introspection

 

i'm so bored

i need a distraction

already watched netflix

and fingered my girlfriend

i'm so bored

there's nothing to do here

i need something

to fill my empty mind

Don't Try to Shit Them Out

posted in 2HTS318 on May 03, 2020
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i'm goin' deep

while you sleep

and now you have an ass full of sperm

i left inside

oh how you cry

as it burrows into your colon

don't try to shit them out

the neighbors cannot hear you shout

my demon seed are nesting there

they cannot live in open air

they will hatch inside of you

at first just feasting on your poo

then they will consume your flesh

likely leading to your death

don't try to shit them out

don't try to shit them out

oh deep inside

they'll learn to thrive

unholy children of the dark

they swim and play

bringing decay

as it burrows into your colon

don't try to shit them out

the neighbors cannot hear you shout

my demon seed are nesting there

they cannot live in open air

they will hatch inside of you

at first just feasting on your poo

then they will consume your flesh

likely leading to your death

don't try to shit them out

don't try to shit them out

 

20F

posted in 2HTS317 on Apr 26, 2020
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look out up ahead

discoloration in the pavement

a gap beneath the wheel

sends you spinning

body through the windshield

collapsed and broken in the road

someone find a cellphone

someone dial 911

i don't think she's breathing

i can't find a pulse

someone find a cellphone

someone dial 911

 

i think it's too late

Pickup Chix

posted in 2HTS315 on Apr 12, 2020
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this is the kind of song to write

to pickup chicks at an open mic

this is the kind of song i write 

if i want to meet girls at Amateur Night

 

throw in a couple metaphors for love

don't try to rhyme it with words like shove

gotta keep it tame gotta keep it gentle

absolutely no allusions to anal

 

strum open chords nice and soft

the capo goes on

the panties slide off

make it sound like it comes from heart

add some vibrato to this part

 

Dry Cereal

posted in 2HTS313 on Mar 29, 2020
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It's the most important meal of the day...

Whip out your udders
it's time to make breakfast
this cereal's dry
fill the bowl with breast milk!
why do you make that face?
There's none left in the fridge
i can't enjoy my cornflakes
unless they have been drenched

aim your nipple at the middle of the bowl
squeeze your titty until milk comes out the hole (X2)
My corn flakes need some milk! (X3)
and you're the one that makes it

i don't think it's fair
to say the baby will go hungry
so please show that you care
you make enough to share
all that i am asking
is for you to do your part
helping me make breakfast
is that a bridge too far?

aim your nipple at the middle of the bowl
squeeze your titty until milk comes out the hole (X3)
My cornflakes need some milk!
and you're the one that makes it... Guitar!

Sssssbbbbbbttttttt

posted in 2HTS312 on Mar 22, 2020
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note: it is WAY harder to work a kick-drum, play a keyboard and play guitar at the same time than it might look.

raspberries are sour
raspberries are tart
raspberries get blown
it sounds like a fart
ohhhh raspberries
stick out your tongue
between your lips
add a little air
and a lot of spit
ohhhh raspberries

Everybody was Kung Flu Fighting

posted in 2HTS311 on Mar 15, 2020
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conserve your toilet tissue
use both sides
you have to stockpile toilet paper
to prove you're wise

after devastation by Chinese Space AIDS
we will rise up and organize paper product raids

conserve your toilet paper
use your hand
or be like a kitty cat
wipe with sand

toilet tissue running out
my filthy butthole makes me shout,
"why weren't we prepared?!"
squeeze the Charmin you must die
don't you bother asking why
we weren't prepared

after devastation by Chinese Space AIDS
we will rise up and organize paper product raids

Moosen

posted in 2HTS310 on Mar 08, 2020
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I'm movin' myself up to Alaska (welcome to Alaska)
gunna live in the snow
gunna build an ice castle
gunna cook up a lot of crystal meth
gunna sell it to truckers
gunna trade it for head from Beth

I will hitch my sled to a pair of moosen!
drive across the tundra, drawn by moosen!

i've made a home for myself in Alaska (welcome to Alaska)
i wear snowpants
and a gigantic park
not much to do cuz everything's frozen
then i'm summoned
by the Call of the Moosen

i will hitch my sled to a pair of moosen!
drive across the tundra, drawn by moosen!
(that's how they do it up there)

Tako Maki Hentai Heaven

posted in 2HTS308 on Feb 23, 2020
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[note: i said to myself, "myself," i said, "why do we never use the Jaguar for recording?" Well, those clicks and hisses and such are the answer to that question. It's a great punk rock player for live performances because it's clicky and hissy and noisey, but it's absolute bollocks for recording. Lesson learned.]

What's that smell?
is it fish?
from there the tentacles dwell?
where the mud shark lives?

Salivation
salvation
suction cups spreading thighs
Japanese cartoon porn

carp -ey diem
wipe if off
eat the tissue
hide your shame

Salivation
salvation
suction cups spreading thighs
Japanese cartoon porn

War Nougat

posted in 2HTS304 on Jan 26, 2020
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Sailing through the Milky Way
chariot of fudge
bringing strife and dismay
choke upon my grudge

Mars attacks! Sugary snacks!
my bar inside your bum
Mars attacks! your head pulled back
and dripping from your chin
MY WAR NOUGAT!

defenses overwhelmed
thick and rich and sweet
shoved into your face
taste the new dark meat

Mars attacks! Sugary snacks!
my bar inside your bum
Mars attacks! your head pulled back
and dripping from your chin
MY WAR NOUGAT!

Obligatory Size Joke

posted in 2HTS303 on Jan 19, 2020
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My tiny house
has a tiny mouse
my tiny wife
has a tiny life
my tiny neighbors
have a tiny savior
with tiny jobs
working for the man
little bit of shopping
little bit of TV
little bit of praying
little bit of dying
all of it is empty
all of it is pointless
when you add it up
sum of its parts

i can't live in tiny houses
i need space
i need space
i can't live in tiny houses
i need space
i need space

my tiny street
manicured and neat
my tiny town
is of small renown
my little friends
come to bitter ends
our little paper
prints a couple words
paragraph for one
sentence for another
their tiny lives
reduced to smaller size
all of it is empty
all of it is pointless
when you add it up
sum of its parts

i can't live in tiny houses
i need space
i need space
i can't live in tiny houses
i need space
i need space

Breakin 3 gotta take a pee

posted in 2HTS300 on Dec 29, 2019
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gotta take a piss
i gotta tinkle and sprinkle
and smooth out all of these wrinkles
gotta stream it
and steam it
and when i'm done i'll clean it
gotta empty my bladder
before it gets much fatter
gotta take a piss
sure hope i don't miss
toilet break

gotta take a piss
i'm dancin and prancin
and hoppin where i'm standin
drippin in my pants and
i can't wait for this line
to unwind
it's too long
my balls are full of pee
gotta get it outta me
gotta take a piss
sure hope i don't miss
toilet break

Silight Nent

posted in 2HTS299 on Dec 22, 2019
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(you can tell I haven't practiced anything since last week)

Christmas Time!
Ready for festivities
neon lit nativity
electro techno ministry

Bow before the altar of Christmas lights
Ten million LEDs illuminate the night

Christmas Tree!
Standing in your living room
shining brightly through the gloom
here today and gone too soon

Bow before the altar of Christmas Lights
Ten million LEDs illuminate the night

WOW

posted in 2HTS298 on Dec 15, 2019
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Once you pop
you cannot stop
you cannot stop
stuffing your face
Once you pop
you will not stop
you will not stop
stuffing your face

New ingredient
they introduce a fat-free chip
only one side effect
ANAL LEAKAGE

Once it pops
you cannot stop
you cannot stop it
soiling your pants
Once it pops
it will not stop
it will not stop
until it soils your pants

New ingredient
they introduce a fat-free chip
only one side effect
ANAL LEAKAGE

Boom in Her Box

posted in 2HTS287 on Sep 29, 2019
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i'm outside your bedroom
standing in the rain
holding up a boombox
like in 'Say Anything'
Boombox Serenade
illegal in 50 states
stalkers are enraged
no more boombox serenades
i'm outside your window
Slayer tape queued up
I hope to get through 'Raining Blood'
before you call the cops
Boombox Serenade
illegal in 50 stages
stalkers are enraged
no more boombox serenades
i want to play you music
to get inside your pants
but now they say it's creepy
i guess they hate romance

The Great Yoga Depantsing of 2019

posted in 2HTS276 on Jul 14, 2019
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signed up for yoga class
to check out some MILF ass
Pervin'!
look at those yoga pants
contour of her crack
Juicy!
middle aged housewife
body that's still tight
Botox!
Hot yoga downward dog
when it's time to suck my hog
show me how you bend your body
think this is my favorite hobby
husband's on a business trip
rub your tongue around the tip
when you do the forward fold
i unleash a monstrous load
Hot yoga let's get down
when you roll your hips around
spread apart your legs so wide
time to take you on a ride
it's a stale relationship
your husband don't know what he missed
leavin' you alone for weeks
you found new ways to get your kicks
kicked out of yoga class
for grabbin' some girls ass
Underage!
mother and daughter
hidin' their laughter
Three way!
it's an addiction
all this contortion
Flexibility!

CyBeRpUnK 2069

posted in 2HTS274 on Jun 30, 2019
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In the future we all are cyberpunk
we subsist on tide pods
and dance to technofunk
we all have mohawks
we all have piercings
we all have implants
just like you

in the future we are all cyberpunk
we download viruses
and then get cybercrunk

in the future there are cyborgs
in the future there are also punks
in the future... there are robots

the robots are coming
the robots are coming
the robots are coming
to sex up your butt

Guillotine

posted in 2HTS273 on Jun 23, 2019
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Off with his head!
Corrupt politicians
off with their heads
Don't use a blinker?
off with their heads
HOV evaders
off with their heads

i keep the guillotine clean
when it's chopped off i hold up your head
i keep the guillotine clean
soon this whole town will be dead

line up the guilty one by one
no one alive when we are done
we have been shriven
our souls are clean
cast the first stone
with our machine

use a fanny pack
off with their head
misspell a word
off with their head
oh, you're a lawyer?
off with his head
everybody
off with their heads

Almond Joy

posted in 2HTS269 on May 26, 2019
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Viscous
and green
Radioactive
seed
Burning
inside of you
Irradiated
goo
Milk of the Damned
filling your womb
the gift my almonds
gave to you
bear the unholy
Geiger Child
unstable
isotopic
Antichrist
Rancid
unclean
Unnatural
being
Milk of the Damned
filling your womb
the gift my almonds
gave to you
bear the unholy
Geiger Child
unstable
isotopic
Antichrist

CRS

posted in 2HTS265 on Apr 28, 2019
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i can't remember why i walked in this room
i open the fridge but i don't know what i wanted
i forgot an answer to a question i forget
did i turn on the dryer is my laundry still wet

got a bad case of
"Can't Remember Shit"
fragmented memory
slowly losing my wits

did i turn off the stove and give grandma her pills
did i bury the body that i left in the hills
did i leave any weapons at the scene of the crime
did i remember to establish and alibi

got a bad case of
"Can't Remember Shit"
fragmented memory
slowly losing my wits

Dop L Ganger

posted in 2HTS263 on Apr 14, 2019
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someone else
is wearing your face
a doppleganger
has taken your place
he's showing the side of you
that you hide away
a doppleganger
has taken your place

I Said Kinky, Not Perverted

posted in 2HTS262 on Apr 07, 2019
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you
said that we
needed to spice things up
in the bedroom
so why
when i decide
to listen to you
do you get angry?
yes I just shoved in a whole chicken
it's like extra dickin'
and quite finger lickin'
I guess you'll need to find a way
to get it back out
you'll only upset it more
by starting to shout
so that
was my surprise
when I said
"Baby, please close your eyes"
and now
you're mad
and I bet that poor chicken
is really sad
yes i just shoved in a whole chicken
it's like extra dickin'
and quite finger lickin'
I guess you'll have to find a way
to get it back out
you'll only upset it more
by starting to shout

4Eva

posted in 2HTS261 on Mar 31, 2019
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Look
into forever
wretched expression
staring back at you
there's no end to time or space
it was here before you
it goes on when you die
and there's no answers in this place
at this moment all i have are lies
Stare
into the void
another dimension
looking into you
there's no end to time or space
it was here before you
it goes on when you die
and there's no answers in this place
at this moment all I have are lies

Martyr Stewart

posted in 2HTS260 on Mar 24, 2019
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strap it on
pack it in
now it's time
to begin
holy war
our god's wrath
placed yourself
in its path
flash of light
bombs explode
parts of bodies
fill the road
unbelievers filled with fear
the day of the martyr draws near
milling crowd
slipping in
punishment
for their sins
holy war
our god's wrath
placed yourself
in its path
flash of light
bombs explode
parts of bodies
fill the road
unbelievers filled with fear
the time of the martyr draws near

Lost

posted in 2HTS257 on Mar 03, 2019
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instruments
are all offline
now
you are flying blind
into the unknown
never
reaching home
in the forbidden zone
forever
to roam
charts
are not enough to save you now
fog
rises up past the prow
into the unknown
never
reaching home
in the forbidden zone
forever
to roam
lost
adrift
foundering
no remains
recovered at sea
into the unknown
never
reaching home
in the forbidden zone
forever
to roam

Losing My Marbles

posted in 2HTS256 on Feb 24, 2019
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When I was losing my mind
(losing his marbles)
I said I'm doing fine
(but he was losing his marbles)

snorting all my adderall
hiding in a bathroom stall
woke up alone
when you were beside me
my imaginary friends
left me in a ditch again
the cops drove me home
but i lost my phone

when i was going insane
(he was losing his marbles)
you sent me home in the rain
(while he was losing his marbles)

snorting all my adderall
hiding in a bathroom stall
woke up alone
when you were beside me
my imaginary friends
left me in a ditch again
the cops drove me home
but i lost my phone

LMP

posted in 2HTS254 on Feb 10, 2019
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Recheck the scans
dashed all your plans
cuz it's still there
doom
grows inside of you
nothing doctors can do
but yet it's still quite expensive
blood
they collect too much
running all their tests
confirming what you already know
inside your heart
time
you don't have much left
because this lump in your breast
has already metastasized
and now you're gunna die
pray to a god who cannot hear you
hope that the trial isn't just a placebo
take all these pills that poison your body
hair falling out and it won't even save you
death
will come for you
in a month or two
they can't be more specific
time
you don't have much left
because this lump in your breast
has already metastasized
and now you're gunna die

Phoenix College Fight Song

posted in 2HTS253 on Feb 03, 2019
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Alchemy
the secret of your tears
Chemistry
science now revealed

Arise from the ashes
headed toward the sky
almighty Phoenix you can never die
pray for redemption
pray for rebirth
from your nest
filled with sage
and myrrh

Enemy
the plague of fear
Elegy
end is drawing near

Arise from the ashes
headed toward the sky
almighty Phoenix you can never die
pray for redemption
pray for rebirth
from your nest
filled with sage
and myrrh

Gateway

posted in 2HTS252 on Jan 27, 2019
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crossing the pathways
powered by celestial rays

you're moving through
the gateway of the gods
it strips away
all of your facades
the sacred tablet
reduced to shards
as you enter where you don't belong

step onto Olympus
testing your limits

you're moving through
the gateway of the gods
it strips away all of your facades
the sacred tablet
reduced to shards
as you enter where you don't belong

Bruce Lee

posted in 2HTS251 on Jan 20, 2019
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Hey there!
How'd you like a punch to the head
Get scared
Kick you hard enough you'll be dead
Beware
These hands are registered with the law
Take care
They'll be the last thing you ever saw

Surrounded by my enemies
Feeling like I am Bruce Lee
Battling my adversaries
Fighting like I am Bruce Lee

Hey there!
Time for me to end your life
Get scared
I can cut you without a knife
Beware
I move faster than you can discern
Take care
The lesson has been too late to learn

Surrounded by my enemies
Feeling like I am Bruce Lee
Battling my adversaries
Fighting like I am Bruce Lee

Here Comes the Future

posted in 2HTS250 on Jan 13, 2019
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Here comes the future
the future is now
here comes the future
the future is now
All these hot singles in my area
lonely GILFs who are down to fuck
terabytes of porn that are all for free
and they're all for me
you hold the future in the palm of your hand
it's dripping onto the seam in your pants
you hold the future in the palm of your hand
you have the future the future is now
all these hot singles in my area
lonely GILFs who are down to fuck
terabytes of porn and they're all for free
and they're all for me
yes they're all for me

Pick a Card

posted in 2HTS249 on Jan 06, 2019
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watch his hands
find the hidden lady
take your time
pick the right card
you're positive
it's the one on the left

you can never win
when you're playing three card monty
the queen of hearts is hidden up his sleeve

once again up comes
the jack of spades
mocking you
for buying his lie
do you bet again
or cut your losses
the hand is quicker
than the eye

you can never win
when you're playing three card monty
the card you want is hidden up his sleeve

iResolve

posted in 2HTS248 on Dec 30, 2018
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make a new list
every year
lose some weight
drink less beer
cannot change
the flaws within
buying membership
at a gym
I RESOLVE
abandon it
by february
stay the same
ordinary
you be you
that'll do
until next
december
31st
I RESOLVE

The Shriners Have Changed

posted in 2HTS246 on Dec 16, 2018
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Lost souls gather
at the river
Local deities wait
to be appeased
carry the sacrifice
into the shrine
on your knees
repeat the holy mantra
light every flame
on the candelabra
carry the sacrifice
into the shrine
virginal blood
spills upon the altar
close your eyes
the demon will arise
sacrifice performed
in the shrine
darkness falls upon the earth
antichrist now rebirthed
mankind in disarray
on that final day
your purpose is revealed
in the shrine

Three Ghosts

posted in 2HTS245 on Dec 09, 2018
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The first spirit that visited
showed me Christmas as it was
Fezziwig, my childhood
and an engagement that went bust

Three ghosts came to see me
and show the errors of my ways
sent by Jacob Marley in the hope that I would change

the second sprit that visited
showed me Christmas as it is
starving Cratchits. Tiny Tim
my nephew playing games

Three ghosts came to see me
and show the error of my ways
sent by Jacob Marley in the hope that I should change

the third spirit that visited
showed Christmas to be
unmourned and mocked
soon forgotten
in a lonely grave

Three ghosts came to see me
and show the error of my ways
sent by Jacob Marley in the hope that I could change

Popping a 6 Year Old's Cherry

posted in 2HTS244 on Dec 02, 2018
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So, when I played this gd sax part on the keyboard it sounded perfectly in time... but then the MIDI did something or other to mess it up. So then we changed some settings and tried it again. And again. And again. Then I tried recording it as a straight piano part and feeding that into the Studio Horns in Logic. And that didn't work either. So then next thing I knew, we were out of time. So I slapped a disgusting title on it and bob's your uncle. My apologies in advance. That's what I get for trying something new.

Mesmer

posted in 2HTS243 on Nov 25, 2018
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This track proves that I cannot play in 6/8 time, sadly.

Mesmerized
your mind is not your own
terrorized
controlled by someone else
look into my eyes
you belong to me
spinning watch of gold
you'll do as you're told
marionnette
i'm pulling all your strings
you'll forget
everything
when i snap my fingers
look into my eyes
you belong to me
spinning watch of gold
you'll do as your told

Lich My Balls

posted in 2HTS241 on Nov 11, 2018
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Magician
cross the veil of death
undead wizard
arise
spread your curse
illuminate the world
with darkness
annihilate the earth
lifeless

Change Means Mange

posted in 2HTS239 on Oct 28, 2018
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Feeling a change coming over me
something inside transforming my body
it's not the same as it used to be
turning into some kind of animal maybe
why is there hair growing on my crotch
why have i developed a taste for scotch
suddenly i find myself staring at ladies
wondering how i can get into their panties
sure this might sound like puberty
but three people are missing in the last week
i just woke up with blood on my hands
don't think I can go blaming my glands
why is there hair in my armpits
why can i lick the pus out of my zits
suddenly i want to pee on that hydrant
show all the other dogs just where i went

BS

posted in 2HTS238 on Oct 21, 2018
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(this is the first time i almost didn't submit my track)

I could use a helping hand
give me any change you have

i need free stuff
give me free stuff
don't call my bluff
or this will get rough
i want free stuff
better give me free stuff
or i will take it by force

my addiction won't pay for itself
all i'm asking is for a little help

i dont want to
get a job
i want what
others have

Arboreal Death Song

posted in 2HTS237 on Oct 14, 2018
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Leaves are on the ground
dying trees and coming winter
a rustling sound
nature's death is all around us
coloring the earth
yellow orange red like fire

autumn's arrival
the baring of branches
summer's departure
the end of the season

a burial mound
unswept unkempt and long forgotten
the forest weeps
and covers the path with its tears

autumn's arrival
the baring of branches
summer's departure
the end of the season

the dying light
hurry back to your hearth
the crawling night
follows you home

autumn's arrival
the baring of branches
summer's departure
the end of the season

The Cave

posted in 2HTS235 on Sep 30, 2018
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summer time
lazy days
a trip to the lake
see it cascade
there behind the waterfall
ancient spirits
calling out to you
deep with the caves
unholy creatures gathering
what will they do
there behind the waterfall
ancient spirits calling out
sacred place that's violated
a closed door
abandoned youth
summer time
lazy days
a trip to the lake
there behind the waterfall
ancient spirits calling out

Sandy Sandy

posted in 2HTS234 on Sep 23, 2018
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why are you so angry?
is it something I said?
is it just
the sand in your vagina
that's making you so made
your sandy vagina
irritatingly bad
do you have a reason
to be upset?
a trip to the beach
leads to regret
you sandy vagina
it makes you mad
your sandy vagina
irritatingly bad

Blackmail

posted in 2HTS233 on Sep 16, 2018
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Collected all the photographs
put them in a folder
made some extra copies
sent them to my lawyer
cut out letters from magazines
a note that can't be traced
pay the money that i ask
all will be erased

you're being blackmailed
we know what you've done
it'll be front page news
exposed to everyone
you're being blackmailed
your secrets you can't hide
give us fifty thousand bucks
or it all goes online

got a telephoto lens
everything revealed
you should invest in some drapes
a privacy shield
i know it's a little late
to have that conversation
don't want anyone to know
what you did with that dalmatian

give me the money
this all goes away
i can keep it quiet
if you will pay cuz...

Cyanide!

posted in 2HTS231 on Sep 02, 2018
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finally found a solution
to all of my problems
now i've got a path
and they will all go away
Cyanide! it's an easy way out
Cyanide! my heart will stop
Cyanide! no mess for the paramedics
Cyanide! that's my way to go
i've got this capsule
it will send me into darkness
i've got an answer
to the questions life asks
i've heard it's painful
but soon i won't feel anything
i've heard it's effective
and that's all that matters to me
Cyanide! it's an easy way out
Cyanide! my heart will stop
Cyanide! no mess for the paramedics
Cyanide! that's my way to go
no more concerns
about my job security
no more worries
about whether i fit in
no more struggle
with all that life can throw at me
no more trouble
with the loud neighbors upstairs
because i have
Cyanide! it's an easy way out
Cyanide! my heart will stop
Cyanide! no mess for the paramedics
Cyanide! that's my way to go

The Hills Have Eyes

posted in 2HTS230 on Aug 26, 2018
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Somewhere in a desolate stretch of Nevada
mutant cannibals led by their papa
murdering travelers flesh stripped from bone
don't ever let them catch you alone
The hills have eyes
and they're watching you
the hills have eyes
and they see what you do
the hills have eyes
there's no escape
the hills have eyes
you'll be murdered and raped
back in the fifties they were testing bombs
thought that place was empty but they were wrong
that which survived horrific monsters
now they want to have you over for supper
The hills have eyes
and they're watching you
the hills have eyes
and they see what you do
the hills have eyes
there's no escape
the hills have eyes
you'll be murdered and raped
Somewhere in a desolate stretch of Nevada
mutant cannibals led by their papa
murdering travelers flesh stripped from bone
don't ever let them catch you alone
The hills have eyes
and they're watching you
the hills have eyes
and they see what you do
the hills have eyes
there's no escape
the hills have eyes
you'll be murdered and raped

Forgettable

posted in 2HTS229 on Aug 19, 2018
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Who am I?
I can't remember who i am
I don't remember who i am
I don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at me
I don't remember who I'm supposed to be
Who am I?
I can't remember who i am
I don't remember who i am
I don't know all these people coming to visit me
I don't remember who i'm supposed to be

Double Slit Experiment

posted in 2HTS228 on Aug 12, 2018
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I've got a cat and i think it might be dead
it's been a couple days since he wandered into the shed
I can't take the uncertainty
what will observation reveal to me
I won't know until I look in the box
my relationship might be on its last legs
is she having sex with that guy she says is her friend?
do i want to know the truth
take a look what will i see?
do i want to know the truth
fifty-fifty odds but
I can't take the uncertainty
what will observation reveal to me
I won't know until i look in her box

Just say Kyo to Buddhism

posted in 2HTS226 on Jul 29, 2018
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I went to the monastary
to get in touch with my inner self
i thought about joining their order but
they have too many rules

no meat
no kush
no food
no bush
no beer
no coke
no fun
no jokes

I tried a little meditation
Namu Myoho Renge Kyo
I couldn't master the pronunciation
I got a lot of dirty looks

no meat
no kush
no food
no bush
no beer
no coke
no fun
no jokes

I like big Buddhas and I cannot lie
those other monks can't deny
that when you see one and rub its belly
it brings good luck and a smile but

no meat
no kush
no food
no bush
no beer
no coke
no fun
no jokes

Exit through the Gift Horse

posted in 2HTS225 on Jul 22, 2018
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Some doorways are explicitly marked
with glowing signs to guide you in the dark
others are far more obscure
a rude surprise on the far side of the door

that's how i tried to explain it to her
she was enraged and would not be deterred
shouting something about violation
betraying trust in carnal relations

some doorways are only one way
no matter how convenient they may seem
I said "brace yourself, I'm going in dry"
an experiment that ended in a scream

that's how i tried to explain it to her
she was enraged and would not be deterred
shouting something about violation
betraying trust in carnal relations

Don't Squeeze the Shaman

posted in 2HTS224 on Jul 15, 2018
play_arrow
you have a problem
your dick isn't big enough
and in the bedroom
you cannot get it up
you could go to the doctor
Official Medicine
FDA warnings
expensive prescriptions

if you go the Shaman
he'll give you a potion
rub it on your penis
magical lotion
if you go to the Shaman
he'll cure you with magic
gigantic penis
hard as a brick

you've fixed your problem
life is much better
just follow his instructions
down to the letter
every full moon
a human sacrifice
or you are doomed
so take my advice

go to the Shaman
he'll give you a potion
rub it on your penis
magical lotion
go to the Shaman
he'll cure you with magic
gigantic penis
hard as a brick

I guess you forgot
to do the ritual
and your penis fell off
now you're disgruntled
magical spells are unpredictable
but you probably guessed that
when your dick fell off

go to the Shaman
he'll give you a potion
rub it on your penis
magical lotion
go to the Shaman
do what he tells you
or you won't have a dick

Normies Reeeeeeeeee!

posted in 2HTS221 on Jun 24, 2018
play_arrow
kill all the normies
make them pay
it's time the deviants
had their day
we're gunna
turn off our computers
take to the streets
we've got dog shit sandwiches
for you to eat

we're taking over Baltimore
we'll rock this city to its core
weirdos no longer to be ignored
by you

kill all the normies
eat their flesh
violate their corpses
soft in death
we're gunna
log off of Reddit
take to the streets
we've got dog shit sandwiches
for you to eat

we're taking over Baltimore
we'll rock this city to its core
weirdos no longer to be ignored
by you

kill all the normies
it's our creed
everyone on 4chan
has agreed
we'll meet at
the nudie bar
tell me one of you
has a car

we're taking over Baltimore
we'll rock this city to its core
weirdos no longer to be ignored
by you

Saint Venerius Detox Center

posted in 2HTS219 on Jun 10, 2018
play_arrow
Welcome to the Saint Venerius Detox Center
we'll purge you of your impure thoughts
try to make you better
our proven methods have worked wonders
in rehabilitation
we can cure you of your dependence
on grandma's medication

whether it's pills or fondling boys
there is a program we can employ
sex addiction or amphetamines
if you've got the money
we've got the means

first we lock you in a lighthouse
for several weeks
our monks will bring you bread and water
but they don't speak
after all your darkest sins have been shriven
please enjoy the free t-shirt you have been given

whether it's pills or fondling boys
there is a program we can employ
sex addiction or amphetamines
if you've got the money
we've got the means

if you happen to relapse please don't fear
we have an advance treatment
it lasts for a year
all of the specifics are outlined online
to those who are web addicted this seems unkind

whether it's pills or fondling boys
there is a program we can employ
sex addiction or amphetamines
if you've got the money
we've got the means

Candyman

posted in 2HTS218 on Jun 03, 2018
play_arrow
say his name in the mirror three times and he will appear
Candyman is coming for you
taste his brand of fear
you might think he's just an urban legend
you will suffer for that misconception
say his name in the mirror three times and he will appear
Candyman is coming for you
taste his brand of fear
you might think you're innocent
when he's drawing near
Candyman brings you a present and your death is here
there's a reason we are superstitious
to him human flesh is delicious
say his name in the mirror three times and he will appear
Candyman is coming for you
taste his brand of fear
you might think you're innocent
when he's drawing near
Candyman brings you a present and your death is here

A Brazillian Ways to Dye

posted in 2HTS214 on May 06, 2018
play_arrow
i had a problem
with my follicles
not the ones on my head
the ones around my genitals
off to the salon
they said "we have a new procedure
you'll have to sign a waiver with the manager
for 500 dollars you can get the advanced Brazillian
there's only one side effect
your vagina will be purple"
hey, that's a bargain!
I get to be prepubescently smooth
wonder if this is how
Stella got her groove (back)
they're heating wax
and other noxious chemicals
wonder if the FDA
has approved this for uses vaginal
that really burns!
acrid smoke fills the room
it doesn't harden
just slides off toward the floor
is it really over?
or is there something more?
my cooch isn't purple
it's more like neon lavender

Missed Warning

posted in 2HTS213 on Apr 29, 2018
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Look at all these voicemails
why is everyone calling?
Warning: Impending Radiation
Report to nearest fallout station
calls from friends and relatives
even a few old lovers
We all face extinction
Warning: Impending Radiation
report to nearest fallout station
the star Sirius A has unexpectedly done supernova
launching deadly amounts of X and Gamma radiation
toward the earth
this catastrophe will likely result in the extinction
of all life on our planet
Warning: Impending Radiation
report to the nearest fallout station

Haboob

posted in 2HTS212 on Apr 22, 2018
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Out in the desert sands
alone
inhospitable land
on the horizon
a red cloud
red clouds
all around
haboob

lightning
a thunderous roar
echoes
through the sand
all around
red clouds
all around
haboob

The Chocolate Rainbow

posted in 2HTS211 on Apr 15, 2018
play_arrow
I went to the doctor
had a pain in my butt
he scheduled a procedure
to see what's up
I thought he'd use a camera
ha ha, nope
what he stuck in there was a kaleidoscope
"I see a rainbow of colors"
he said with a frown
"All I should be seeing are shades of brown
God only knows what you've been eating
when i twist the lens it's like a modernist painting"

I thought I needed a second opinion
found another doctor
skilled in detection
I said, "Please use a colonoscope"
he said, "Your health plan only covers a kaleidoscope"

"I see a rainbow of colors"
he said with a frown
"All I should be seeing are shades of brown
God only knows what you've been eating
when i twist the lens it's like a modernist painting"

Trilateral Omission

posted in 2HTS210 on Apr 08, 2018
play_arrow
manufactured viral population control
Trilateral Commission put the project on hold
we found the vials
released to the air
it started doomsday
but we don't care

when the dust settles i'll build a utopia
with the crowd thinned I can have my utopia
(with no lines at the deli)

this disease was planned forget what you're told
it comes from a lab not from black mold
we ended the world
too many hungry
now there's no line
to buy our salami

when the dust settles i'll build a utopia
with the crowd thinned i can have my utopia
(with no lines at the deli)

Have another drink

posted in 2HTS207 on Mar 18, 2018
play_arrow
off to visit the local watering hole
gunna get myself blackout drunk
drinkin' beer and whiskey, put it on my tab
on my way to gettin' blackout drunk

suddenly i don't know where i am
somebody tell me where are my pants
why are there bitemarks on my ass
bartender pour me another glass

on my way home from the local watering hole
successful mission to get blackout drunk
stop in an alley to take a leak
not sure if it's healthy for my urine to be pink

suddenly i'm not sure where i am
somebody tell me where are my pants
why are there bite marks on my ass
bartender pour me another glass

gunna have a drink
and then have another drink

Billy Drowned

posted in 2HTS204 on Feb 25, 2018
play_arrow
(inspired by the Ben Drowned creepypasta)
Hello, can anyone hear me?
Hello, it is so cold here
Hello, can anyone hear me?
Hello, I feel alone
I feel so alone
I feel so alone
I feel so alone
Here
in the machine
Hello
can you i take you with me?
Then we can be together
Hello
Inside the machine together
Forever
Hello
I feel so alone
I feel so alone
I feel so alone
Here, in the machine
Hello
Don't you want to play?
My name is Billy
Please don't go away
Hello
don't you want to play?
My name is Billy
please don't go away
I feel so alone
I feel so alone
I feel so alone
here in the machine
I feel so alone
I feel so alone
I feel so alone
Here
in the machine

Pain-a Colada

posted in 2HTS201 on Feb 04, 2018
play_arrow
Let's head to the tiki bar
it's just up the street not too far
reminds me of someplace warm
tropical drinks served with tiny umbrellas

too many pina coladas
my head feels like a busted pinata
should've had the mai tais instead
so hungover wish I was dead

coconut, pineapple and rum
one is fine, seven is dumb
i may have soiled my pants (you did!)
while I was trying to dance (bust a move!)

too many pina coladas
I totaled my Hyundai Sonata
should've had the mai tais instead
so hungover wish i was dead

(solo)

too many pina coladas
i threw up in the begonias
should've had the mai tais instead
so hungover wish i was dead

WTF

posted in 2HTS200 on Jan 28, 2018
play_arrow
all the possibilities
inevitabilities
straining all credulity
kinda makes you wonder why
all the random happenstance
lending to your circumstance
like you never stood a chance
maybe you should question why

your girlfriend's sleeping with another man
maybe you should take a step back
and ask
WHAT THE FORK?!

is it all theatrical
another hypothetical
can it be empirical
kinda makes you wonder why
head to somewhere tropical
and try to keep it topical
while polishing your bifocals
maybe you should question why

the stock market just upset your five year plan
maybe it's time you took a step back
and ask
WHAT THE FORK!?

Now they sell hamburgers in a can
maybe you should take a step back
and ask
WHAT THE FORK!?

Bug Ugly

posted in 2HTS199 on Jan 21, 2018
play_arrow
I'm just an ugly caterpillar
crawling up a tree
i might seem kind of awkward now
i'm not all that i can be

but someday that will change
my physiology rearranged
i'll emerge from my cocoon
a lovely butterfly
...with poison fangs

i'm just an ugly bug
trying to get by in life
gotta try and find a job
avoiding hungry birds at night
i might seem disgusting now
but soon i will be free

i'm getting ready to change
my physiology rearranged
i'll emerge from my cocoon
a lovely butterfly
...with poison fangs

he's just an ugly caterpillar
he's just an ugly caterpillar

Drowning in their Sorrow

posted in 2HTS198 on Jan 14, 2018
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every ship remains docked
every mast remains furled
the stars wink out in the sky
and no one's asking why

drowning in their sorrow
crying in their pillow
fearful of tomorrow
one collective sigh
drowning in their sorrow
need a prayer to borrow
heroes in the barrow
they've already died

the beggar and the soothesayer
both have the same answer
every building crumbles
and no one's asking why

A fool and his gold

posted in 2HTS197 on Jan 07, 2018
play_arrow
wealth is in your mind
take happiness where you can find
it
can't take it with you to the grave
that's not a way you can be saved

you need to give it all to me
spiritually minded you should be
hand over all your gold
and I can save your soul
you need to give it all to me
weighs you down, don't you see
hand over all your money
it's bad for you, honey

that cold cash isn't Truth
i can build a cathedral in DeLuth
the more that i get paid
the sooner you'll be saved

The Circle

posted in 2HTS196 on Dec 31, 2017
play_arrow
primordial ooze
vitality
consumed consumer
eternity
into nothing
we decay
tomorrow's food
death today

around the bowl
circling life
servant master child wife
around the bowl
spiraling turd
the realist's feast
made absurd

side of beef
filet of man
devoid of any
cosmic plan
are you hungry?
are you sane?
are you sated?
are you pain?

Solvitur Ambulando

posted in 2HTS194 on Dec 17, 2017
play_arrow
if i sail a ship
away for a year
and o'er the course of time
replace every part
when i return to port
could it be said
that i was still sailing
the ship i left in?

solvitur ambulando
the only answer
to a world of paradox

if a Cretan tells you
that all Cretans are liars
can you believe him
since he's a Cretan too?
If a barber shaves
all who do not shave themselves
how does the barber
trim his beard?

solvitur ambulando
the only answer
to a world of paradox

at a point in time
nothing is in motion
how can it be said
that anything moves at all?
Diogenes the Cynic
found an answer
to this question
he got up
and walked away

Technobabylon

posted in 2HTS193 on Dec 10, 2017
play_arrow
are those actually words you're using
or is your mouth just making sounds
all those terms that you are relaying
are making my head spin around
technobabble and jargon
you're not making any sense
technobabble and jargon
i'm understanding less
why can't you tell me if it is cancer
quit fucking me about
only one of us here is a doctor
just tell me straight out
technobabble and jargon
you're not making any sense
technobabble and jargon
i'm understanding less

Not Only on Netflix

posted in 2HTS192 on Dec 03, 2017
play_arrow
Get up on the bed
and give me head
because I'm a famous actor
down on your knees and say
"Please mister Weinstein give me an Oscar"
suddenly something changed and the media
turns upon its stars
headlines in the newspaper
it falls apart, like a house of cards
here take some cash
so that i can get away with grabbing your ass
if I'm caught
I'll say I'm gay
and go into rehab for a couple of days
suddenly something changed
and the media turns upon its stars
headlines in the newspaper
it falls apart like a house of cards
finally something changed and the media
turns upon its stars
headlines in the newspaper
it falls apart like a house of cards

I feel punk

posted in 2HTS191 on Nov 26, 2017
play_arrow
My problem with society
a problem between you and me
i won't follow all your rules
i'll do drugs
i'll quit school
I'll wear blue jeans to the prom
and take nude photos of your mom
while you think that i'm depraved
cultural norms cannot be saved
societ will come undone
revolution yet to come
all mores destroyed
insanity enjoyed
my problem with society
telling me who i should be
i'm not gunna get a job
when i can practice welfare fraud
why should i just sit and listen
to all your judgmental derision
im just gunna watch it burn
barbarism shall return

Kanly

posted in 2HTS188 on Nov 05, 2017
play_arrow
Vengeance is what i seek
Arrakis was promised to me
with the Emperor's blade in my hand
I'll make my final stand

Kanly - I invoke vendetta
Kanly - fight to the death
Kanly - I invoke vendetta
Paul Atreides must not live
Kanly - for the Landsraad
Kanly - for my uncle
Kanly - for the Empire
House Harkonen never yeilds
Bene Gesserit quake with fear
Guild navigator eyes are all turned here
with poison upon my blade
come feel the wrath of Feyd

(chorus)

Is he truly the Kwisatz Haderach?
genetic abberation
when my knife opens his veins
welcome revelation
(solo)
(sloppy ending)

One Eyed Jacko

posted in 2HTS187 on Oct 29, 2017
play_arrow
driving home from the pumpkin patch
my new friend is riding in the back
on this crisp October day
warm the oven before it's time to play
One Eyed Jack o' Lantern
only need a single hole
that's where I make love to it
father of the gourds
cyclops pumpkin on my porch
trick 'r treaters in for a surprise
it looks spooky
it looks strange
there's something white and crusty
dripping out of its eye
One Eyed Jack o' Lantern
only need a single hole
that's where i make love to it
father of the gourds

Face Ripper

posted in 2HTS186 on Oct 22, 2017
play_arrow
The face that looks back at me
in the mirror
Isn't one that I recognize
The features don't even
seem familiar
and there's darkness behind those eyes
We all wear masks
When we're in public
they're different from the masks that
we wear at home
who is this stranger
in my reflection
where is a face i can call my own?
If I'm not the person I
see in the mirror
Who's looking back at me
with those eyes?
Is anyone the person they portray?
Is everyone a culmination of lies?
We all wear masks
when we're in public
they're different from the masks that
we wear at home
who is this stranger
in my reflection?
where is a face I can call my own?

(note: yes, this song is about a serial killer who cuts people's faces off and wears them like masks. In case you thought I was going soft on you...)

Send in the Drones

posted in 2HTS185 on Oct 15, 2017
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Taliban wedding - send in the drones
ISIS beheading - send in the drones
rioters in the city - send in the drones
neighbor's daughter getting changed - send in the drones
they're patrolling
in the sky
automated sentinels
some have cameras
some have bombs
autonomous assassins
migrants on the border - send in the drones
uphold law and order - send in the drones
need to quell an uprising - send in the drones
neighbor's daughter babysitting - send in the drones
they're patrolling
in the sky
automated sentinels
some have cameras
some have bombs
autonomous assassins

Sleeping Giant

posted in 2HTS184 on Oct 08, 2017
play_arrow
(note: I sort of worked off a variant of Giant Steps or Coltrane changes with some modifications... it's Em A D / G C F / Bm E A / Ebm Ab Db just in case anyone was curious)

Between my legs there lives a sleeping giant
let's not disturb him hands to yourself stay quiet
if he wakes up he'll want to bop you on your nose
where he gets this inclination no one knows
wet your lips and kiss my little giant
don't use your teeth or he may become violent!
if he wakes up he'll want to bop you on your nose
where he gets this inclination no one knows

Yang n Yin

posted in 2HTS183 on Oct 01, 2017
play_arrow
waited three days outside a Daoist temple
they took me inside and taught me their spells
I learned their philosophy and their religion
came down from the mountain
looking for you because
I wanna stick my yang in your yin
it's a dark hole for me to fill in
the cosmos demands that we find balance
it can be achieved by inserting me phallus
this is a secret for the enlightened
whenever I see you my pants seem to tighten
if you're not here it's koyaanisqatsi
now you're around let's play strip Yahtzee cuz
I wanna stick my Yang in your Yin
It's a dark hole for me to fill it
the cosmos demands that we find balance
it can be achieved by inserting my phallus
(bass solo)
(guitar solo)
(guitar string breaks)
(shitty 5 string guitar solo)
I wanna stick my Yang in your Yin
it's a dark hole for me to fill in
the cosmos demands that we find balance
it can be achieved by inserting my phallus
(fade out)

CME

posted in 2HTS182 on Sep 24, 2017
play_arrow
Let's sit back and watch the pretty lights
remembering when we had electricity
we used to have cars
we used to have malls
explosions from the sun destroyed it all
Coronal Mass Ejection
destroyed out atmosphere
now you see the Northern Lights
across the hemisphere
don't forget to put on your protective garments
and you special glasses so that you don't go blind
we used to go to the beach
and bath in the sun
now we live in bunkers far under the ground
Coronal Mass Ejection
destroyed our atmosphere
now you see the northern lights
across the hemisphere

Almond Despair

posted in 2HTS181 on Sep 17, 2017
play_arrow
Almonds aren't really a nut
I know that's what you've been told but
you've been duped by the drupes
what other lies have we been told?
What do you do when you feel like a nut?
Almond Joys don't have them
your life is a lie
what can you do
when your world comes undone
words have no meaning
lay down and die
peanuts are a legume
take that knowledge with you to your tomb
George Washington Carver is only surpreme
at finding more uses for a bean
almonds aren't really a nut
neither are coconuts
neither are peanuts
you've been played for a fool

Best Man

posted in 2HTS180 on Sep 10, 2017
play_arrow
I'd like to raise a glass
to the bridge and groom
and all the friends and family
gathered in this room
known Chet 20 years
never thought he'd get hitched
now let me tell you why his new wife
is a bitch
Out on the internet
there's a video of my dick getting wet
here's something you'd never guess
that's the back of Tracy's head
Now grandma Nichols looks pretty shocked
so does Tracy's mom
but Chet's new wife don't look surprised
you can see the guilt right in her eyes
let's watch it together
yeah, put it up on the screen
your blushing bride down there
on her knees
Out on the internet
there's a video of my dick getting wet
here's something you'd never guess
that's the back of Tracy's head.

That's Retarded

posted in 2HTS179 on Sep 03, 2017
play_arrow
Potato working in the grocery store
minding his own business as he goes about his daily chores
Potato doesn't have a lot to say, Paper? Plastic? Both?
You can have it either way
Maybe the Romans had the right idea
leave 'em on a cliff and wipe away your tears
or maybe potatoes have intrinsic worth
and shouldn't be blamed for accidents of birth
Potato appointed as the CEO
when his dad retired there was nowhere but up to go
now he's outsourcing
shutting down the plant
Bloomberg News thinks he's really grand
Potato walking down the street
Potato infiltrating the elite
Potato living right next door to you
who can really tell
maybe you're one too

Pet Store Surprise

posted in 2HTS177 on Aug 20, 2017
play_arrow
I made my weekly trip to the pet store
I was looking for a new companion
They didn't have any hamsters
I'd bought all their gerbils
I thought about a fish but
turned around and saw
Rats! Rats! I'll stick one in my ass
I'll lube it up with Vaseline(tm)
feel it squirm inside of me
Rats! Rats! I stuck on in my ass
it was a catastrophe
it ate its way up to my spleen
I headed to the walk-in clinic
they'd seen me there before
once to remove a lightbulb
and an apple core
the doctor took a flashlight
and took a glance within
he left the room quickly
I head him throwing up
he saw
Rats! Rats! I stuck one in my ass
I lubed it up with Vaseline(tm)
to feel it squirm inside of me
Rats! Rats! I stuck it up my ass
it was a catastrophe
it ate its way up to my spleen
Now it's too late for me but i'm warning you
be careful when selecting playmates
that could devour you
I think i've learned my lesson
now that i eat through a tube
I stay away from pet stores
and I avoid the zoo because of
Rats! Rats! I stuck one in my ass
I lubed it up with Vaseline(tm)
to feel it squirm inside of me
Rats! Rats! I stuck it in my ass
it was a catastrophe
it ate its way up to my spleen

Artiface

posted in 2HTS176 on Aug 13, 2017
play_arrow
punch into the time clock
assemble a fake cock
after your coffee break
there's silicone boobs to make
the skin should be lifelike
the genitals extra tight
impressing our customers
'cause nobody human does

here at the PleasureTronic Sex Bot factory
we manufacture artificial intimacy
all of our products are tested for days
try one today you'll be amazed

the corporate scientists
inventors of ersatz jizz
computer personalities
enhanced abilities
they'll greet you when you come home
smiles of sharpened chrome
they'll ask you what you ate
and question if you are late

here at the PleasureTronic Sex Bot factory
we manufacture artificial intimacy
all of our products are tested for days
try one today you'll be amazed

the robots are coming
the robots are coming
the robots are coming
to sex up your but
the robots have come
the robots have come
the robots have come
to put in your butt

Final Exit

posted in 2HTS175 on Aug 06, 2017
play_arrow
gather round children gunna read you a story
it's by an author named Derek Humphrey
it's about caring it's about mercy
it was first published by the Hemlock Society
grab a plastic bag pull it over your head
pump in some helium until you are dead
you could also inhale the exhaust from your car
this little book expands your repertoire
i hope you all enjoyed hearing Final Exit
i recommend you don't tell your parents
just head on home and apply what you've learned
once on your way there is no return
cover your head in a plastic bag
pump in some helium so you don't gag
you could also inhale the exhaust from your car
this little book expands your repertoire
you'll never get bullied
never hafta go to school
you'll never hafta worry
if your english essay's due
all your friends will cry
but all they'll think about is you
you'll be the most important person
now you're finally cool!

Counting on You

posted in 2HTS174 on Jul 30, 2017
play_arrow
The FIRST time you broke my heart
Left me for another man
the SECOND time was
THREE days after we made up
and I took her back again

Let me count the reasons
why you're locked in my trunk
a man can only take so much
before he gives up

On the last FOURTH of July
she said she'd come over at FIVE
when SIX rolled around
I went out to find her
making out with Tony
behind SEVEN-eleven

Let me count the reasons
why you're locked in my trunk
a man can only take so much
before he gives up

I EIGHT her body NINE different courses
one of TEN ways to get rid of corpses
I think the way that was most delicious
mixed with potato and served in knishes

Fuck You, Joni Mitchell

posted in 2HTS171 on Jul 09, 2017
play_arrow
Spiders the size of dinner plates
fish that swim up your urethra
bugs that lay eggs under your skin
diseases bringing blood from your butthole
Welcome to the jungle
we have neither fun
nor any games
Welcome to the jungle
I'll feel better
once it's been paved
cannibals who want to eat your brains
lizards thought lost since the Cambrian
centipedes that crawl into your ear (your rear)
there's still blood coming out of your butthole
Welcome to the jungle
we have neither fun
nor any games
Welcome to the jungle
I'll feel better
once it's been paved

Undiagnosed Narcolepsy

posted in 2HTS170 on Jul 02, 2017
play_arrow
Driving this school bus
picked up all the kids
I start to doze off
we don't even skid
there's screams all around
but I don't hear a sound
no one survives when we hit the ground

undiagnosed narcolepsy
it won't even help if you drink lots of pepsi
you just fall asleep
at inopportune moments
it just sneaks up
and there's no cure for it

she's gone into labor
it's the final contraction
but i fall asleep
and lose any traction
the baby fell
it's got a dent in its skull
my malpractice insurer
will put me through hell
because of

undiagnosed narcolepsy
it won't even help
if i drink lots of Pepsi
I just fall asleep
at inopportune moments
it just sneaks up
and there's no cure for it

gotta stay awake
gotta stay awake
try to stay awake
try to stay awake

Altered Perception

posted in 2HTS169 on Jun 25, 2017
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your third brown eye
stare into yourself
adjust the mirror
experience the unseen
Are you expanding your mind?
Can you see what's inside?
Tell us what you find
when looking into Uranus
close but far away
use it every day
a whole new perspective
never looked at this way
Are you expanding your mind?
Can you see what's inside?
Tell us what you find
when looking into Uranus
the world is no longer the same
you see people differently
are you the only one?
You're too embarrassed to ask.

Das Ubergeek

posted in 2HTS167 on Jun 11, 2017
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When you're better than everyone else
you have a lot of responsibilities
people expect you to fix their computers
if you're an übermensch
you can never start to rest
you always have to do your best
it is a never-ending quest
and every moment is a test
until inevitably
someone asks you to fix their computer
when you're better than the rest of these slobs
you'll probably find that you're doing several peoples' jobs
it kinda makes you start to envy the useless
have you tried turning it off and on again?
what do you mean you're not even logged in?
Of course you should plug your monitor in!
or maybe use an etch-a-sketch instead...

You Man, Bro?

posted in 2HTS166 on Jun 04, 2017
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Sometimes I'm not sure
if i'm even human
maybe it's these tentacles
where there should be a scrotum
and why do i have
9 fingers on each hand?
maybe it's true
I'm not really a man
They say that humans are descended from apes
if someone could tell me what I am
that would be great
don't have much in common with these other primates
if someone could tell em what i am
that would be great
they say that humans
don't have a proboscis
but i'm pretty sure
that's exactly what my cock is
and why do i have eyes
in the middle of my chest?
perhaps i need to ask a scientist

Pinkie Swear

posted in 2HTS164 on May 21, 2017
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Guess where I'm puttin' my little finger
gunna butter it up and shove it
into your sphincter
When it comes out
I'm gunna lick it clean
it's a birthday present
cuz you're turning fifteen

Aren't you glad that I've been trimming my nails?
I can taste that you've been eating your kale

Guess where I'm gunna shove my pinkie
between your cheeks
the ones on your tushie
i'm not sure if you'll smile or frown
but it's a birthday party and I'm dressed as a clown

Aren't you glad that I've been trimming my nails?
I can taste that you've been eating your kale

Guess where I'm puttin' my little finger...

A Night on the Town

posted in 2HTS162 on May 07, 2017
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Hey babe, let's grab a drink
put on your coat, we'll head down to the local
I think Manny's on taps
We'll watch the Mets lose, something like that
You powder your nose, I'll order us some pints
I'll have a Guinness, you still drinkin' Heinie Lite?
You been gone awhile, I wonder where you been
a line at the ladies' room or are you off earning your rent?
Hey babe, I'm glad you're back
it's goin' to extra innings, I ordered us some shots
How did you get that black eye?
I can guess the when and where but not the
why can't you see this lifestyle
has its repercussions
you coulda cracked your skull
and wound up with a bad concussion
whatever you did, was it worth the 20 bucks?
one day you won't be able to get by on your looks
out behind the bar
down on your knees
gotta find a way
to pay tuition fees
crying silently
robbed of dignity
catching a disease
listen to me, please
one day this will all catch up to you

Berkeley

posted in 2HTS161 on Apr 30, 2017
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Hey mom can i borrow the car
headed off to campus
to join the "peaceful protest"
i've got pepper spray and a bike lock
some people think differently
and they need to stop
RIOT - because you don't agree with me
RIOT - we don't see eye-to-eye politically
RIOT - I'm used to getting my own way
RIOT - my/the trust fund makes me a cliche
hey mom can you come and bail me out
they pulled off my face mask
and brought me to the cops
burning down a Starbucks
is apparently a felony
capitalist pigs are why i hate democracy

Phantom of the Telethon

posted in 2HTS160 on Apr 23, 2017
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Call within the hour we'll match your donation
and send a special gift to show our appreciation
but whoever is trying to have phone sex
with our operators
please knock it off
they're not paid for this
The phantom of the telethon is making a pledge
but when we receive his payment
he cancels his check
the phantom of the telethon is making a pledge
he absconds with a tote bag
and won't pay a cent
please believe me when I say that we need your money
but all of these prank calls aren't very funny
there's no need to give us graphic descriptions
this is public radio, not HBO

Hopeless

posted in 2HTS158 on Apr 09, 2017
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sitting at a restaurant
waiting for my date to show
as the hour pass i suspect it's a no go
but
i am resilient
this isn't the first time
but whenever it happens
i feel a little emptier

in my life i'm never optimistic
any hopes or dreams just lead to disappointment
why get excited?
i'll only feel worse
when life decides to shit all over my expectations

when i was a kid
i thought i'd have a younger sibling
but when mom went into labor
the baby was stillborn
adopted a puppy
it ran away
my goldfish died after only one day

why should i bother
to get out of bed
just to face a day
when things can only go wrong
i could try suicide
but i'd only fuck it up
one more thing
that didn't go right

Gordian Knot

posted in 2HTS157 on Apr 02, 2017
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You can't treat every problem
like you're Alexander
and it's the Gordian Knot
You need to expand your toolbox
instead of relying on what you've got
untangle life's problems instead of cutting through
the rope
if you face everything head on
like it's a charging bull
you'll get the horns
why not try diplomacy
you might get what you want
and sometimes more
untangle life's problems
instead of cutting through
the rope
learn some new life skills
and better ways to cope
i'm a hypocrite i know
i can't follow this advice myself
but let's both give it a shot
maybe it'll work, you never know...

Nostradoomus

posted in 2HTS156 on Mar 26, 2017
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when i close my eyes
i see towers crumble
and fire in the sky
images of chaos in my mind
horrors yet to come
that I have prophesied
all these visions that i see
are they the shape of things to come
or what might be?
these horrible portents are a curse
that just gets worse
in the future we all die
but I don't know if it's tomorrow
nor the where nor how nor why
all i see is doom
impending as it looms
and that's no help to you
help me make it go away
help me make all go away
there's got to be another way
to not think about tomorrow
and just focus on today

The Mattress at Gary's

posted in 2HTS155 on Mar 19, 2017
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Last time, you were spread out on his mattress
there was a needle stuck in your arm
every time we went to Gary's
you were excited to try something new
uppers downers benzadrine
crystal meth of ecstasy
it was all the same to you
it's the last time
and you're spread out on his mattress
there's a white foam all over your lips
someone call 911
someone call 911
someone call 911
despite the smiling yearbook picture
i'll remember how you looked
dying on Gary's mattress

Avalanche

posted in 2HTS154 on Mar 12, 2017
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There's a wall of white and it's coming down
it'll flatten your spirit and stain your gown
it's cascading on top of you
close your eyes not much else to do
it's an avalanche of pearly white
smells like bleach
tastes like spite
it's an avalanche it'll crush your soul
tell me now do you feel cold
when that wall of white came crashing down
it was a fitting end to you night on the town
the memory etched there on your face
an icy tomb housing your disgrace
is this song a metaphor?
it there another meaning at its core?
it this about an avalanche
or an entirely different circumstance?

Rejected Calgon Jingle

posted in 2HTS153 on Mar 05, 2017
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The bubbles in my bath
they're floating when i splash
i like to soak my tired bones
i like the soap when it starts to foam
fill the whole bathroom with steam
and stay inside til i feel clean
i exfoliate and scrub
relaxing in my tub
Calgon, take me away!
I can't live another day
trapped in this house with these bratty kids
Oh, Calgon, take me away
I can wish away my troubles
when I'm surrounded by these bubbles
and as the life's leaving my veins
i say goodbye to all the pain
my cares will all go down the drain
and I will never need explain
the water's hot but I feel cold
the chill of death is taking hold
Calgon, take me away!
I can't live another day
trapped in this house with my unfaithful husband
Oh, Calgon, take me away!
don't bother mommy when she's taking a bath
go outside, play and laugh
your father's in for quite the surprise when he gets home
(Oh god, Loretta, what have you done?!)

Sting like Concrete

posted in 2HTS151 on Feb 19, 2017
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"Float like a Feather, Sting like Concrete"
(didn't want to break the partybot)

gliding toward the ground
floating like a feather
such a long way down
high above the weather
soaring through the air
unbound by any tether
guess i'll meet you there
splattered on the concrete
when you know it's time
to say goodbye to your cares
and your friends are only
going out in pairs
take the elevator
to the observation deck
it's an escape hatch
put there by The Architect
like a feather
you will float down to the ground
but when you hit
let's hope there's nobody around
just close your eyes
feel the wind in your hair
nine point eight metres per second
will get you there

Brown Starfish

posted in 2HTS150 on Feb 12, 2017
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in between your chubby cheeks
there's a dark surprise waiting for me
as my face gets close damn it reeks
a putrid odor assaulting me
it's supposed to be pink
why is it brown?
your starfish ain't prepared
for me to go downtown
in between your dimpled cheeks
i swear to go that's a piece of corn
these dingleberries must have been here for weeks
did you think this was a German porn?
when was the last time that you took a shower?
don't lie to me and say it was within the hour

Afterglow

posted in 2HTS149 on Feb 05, 2017
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I can't quite identify this stain
is it blood or stool please explain
all of the furniture's in disarray
was the mattress always like this or did that happen today?
in the aftermath of our lovemaking
shit on my fingertips
sperm on your face
there's vaginal discharge all over the ceiling
and a urine puddle in the spot where you were kneeling
i think we're gunna have to get a housekeeper
with a Stanley shop-vac and a couple quarts of bleach
i think next time we're gunna need a plastic tarp
and a thousand paper towels all in handy reach
in the aftermath of our lovemaking
shit on my fingertips
sperm on your face
there's vaginal discharge all over the ceiling
and a urine puddle in the spot where you were kneeling

afk

posted in 2HTS148 on Jan 29, 2017
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Disconnected
cut off from the new age
I been rejected
stuck out here in the meat space
trapped offline can't survive
i need data fed to my mind
please don't make me go outside
all my connections have been fried
trapped offline i'm gunna die
something's jamming my WIFI
please don't make me go outside
too many people nowhere to hide
disappointed
cut off from the internet
missed appointments
stuck here staring at a blank screen

Like Riding a Bike

posted in 2HTS147 on Jan 22, 2017
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Shake off the rust* and get out on the dance floor
wipe off the dust and show them what hips are for
but out a move even though it’s been ages
just get in the groove remember the cages

it’s been so long since you took a girl home
tied her to the bed and made her your own
the scalpel still cuts just like you it is rusty
singing for blood spilling out on your sheets

don’t forget to weight the tarp when you deliver
her lifeless body into the river
it’s been ten years don’t want to get caught now
serial murder you almost forgot how

it’s been so long since you took a girl home
tied her to the bed and made her your own
the scalpel still cuts just like you it is rusty
singing for blood spilling out on your sheets

*my face when i realize, after listening in iTunes, that i sang ‘dust’ instead of ‘rust’ there- D:

The Last Battle

posted in 2HTS146 on Jan 15, 2017
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It doesn't matter
the foes you've defeated
or enemies' backs you've seen
when they retreated
at the end of every man's life
the final battle will be lost
there's nowhere to run
no way to hide
in the last battle
every man dies
even if you wear
a clever disguise
the final boss is Death
maybe you're alone
in a nursing home
or a triumphant general
returning to Rome
at the end of every man's life
the final battle will be lost.

Ten Inchworm

posted in 2HTS145 on Jan 08, 2017
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Ten inchworm, ten inchworm
measuring that lady's hole
ten inchworm, ten inchworm
don't be too quick, don't go too far
it's time to do a new kind of dance
the first step is to take off your pants
grab your knees and greet the worm
those are the only moves to learn
ten inchworm, ten inchworm
use both hands and then take hold
ten inchworm, ten inchworm
arithmadick will get you far
two plus two is four
four plus one is five
five plus five is ten inches
rammin' up inside of you

Resolutions

posted in 2HTS144 on Jan 01, 2017
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a new year brings new possibilities
a chance for self improvement
hone my identity
it's a fresh start; an opportunity
make myself better
that's just the way to be

in 2017 i'm gunna hire some prostitutes
punch them in their titties
put them in their place
in 2017 i'm gunne rip off a liquor store
with a 45 and pantyhose on my face

every new beginning is a chance for betterment
don't just sit around and let the world pass you by
there's a new year upon us and it's calling out
take a chance before you die

in 2017 i'm gunna start snorting coke
and when i'm on Tinder i will always swipe right
in 2017 i'm gunna start using Instagram
sending out dick pics in the dead of the night
it's a new year...

Book of the Dead

posted in 2HTS141 on Dec 11, 2016
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Turn to page 47 in this book of the dead
there's no pictures of monks giving head
what do you think goes on under those saffron robes?
it's a secret, man, nobody knows
There's a special place in hell for you, friend
when you confuse the Kama Sutra with the Book of the Dead
I'm pretty certain you'll stay trapped in your mind
if you use their sacred prayers for sexy times
the book of the dead has prayers
you should know this
the kama sutra's the one with the sexual poses
this book is about self-liberation
there's no pictures of deviation

Shocker

posted in 2HTS140 on Dec 04, 2016
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Hangin' by the bleachers waitin' for the bell to ring
little Sally Johnson with the pigtails is wondering
will i reach up and touch her special place
underneath her skirt behind the silky lace
two in her pussy and one in her asshole
i hope she doesn't tell the vice principal
two in her pink and one in her stink
smell my fingers sit back and think
bragging to her friends about our secret game
i'm sorta concerned you should feel the same
but you say put your worries on the shelf
our school is K through 12
cops are comin' because they were summoned
i leave the gym and I start runnin'
they say it was rape but i know she was comin'
if i'm gunna be blamed i'll let you know somethin'
no grass on the field but i still played ball
she says she's gunna meet me in the lot behind the mall
i stole my dad's car, we'll head to Mexico
i'll call you when i get there but now i gotta go

Techmescence

posted in 2HTS139 on Nov 27, 2016
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we are in your neural network
sending blood down to your schlong
we are in your neural network
do not question us we're never wrong
when it's time to stand in front of the class
that's time for tumescence that always last
we are in your neural network
controlling the blood to your schlong
its time to talk to a pretty lady
bet she appreciates the bulge in your pants
when you're talking to an elderly lady
she will appreciate the bulge in your pants
we are in your brain controlling where the blood will drain
when you talk to a pretty pretty lady
maybe she thinks you have a roll of dimes
when you talking to a pretty lady
thinking about sexy times

Oh Shit it's dat Chameleon

posted in 2HTS136 on Nov 06, 2016
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oh shit boi here comes the chameleon
when he hangs out with rastas he smokes sensimelia
when he goes to a game he roots for the home team
he always blends in with the crowd when he is seen
he likes to stay hip to the latest fashions
he only has hobbies he doesn't have passions
when he's meeting his book club he dresses all retro
he wears a suit and tie when he's riding the metro
oh shit boi here comes the chameleon
he just bout a fez because his date is Moroccan
if she asks him if he ever listens to music
he talk about the time he had lunch with some beatniks
he likes to stay hip with the latest fashions
he only has hobbies he doesn't have passions
he heard there was money in the blogs leftist geeks read
so he grew a beard and now he's writing for BuzzFeed
he likes to stay hip with the latest fashions
but he only has hobbies he doesn't have passions
his FaceBook wall is covered in dank memes
but he doesn't really know what any of them mean
oh shit boi here comes the chameleon

"I-I think that's actually a picture of a frog"

Sexual Skeleton

posted in 2HTS135 on Oct 30, 2016
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I've been dead for a thousand years
but I start to rise when Halloween's near
that is the day when the dead come alive
you see
I've got a bone to pick with you
it's the same bone i'm gunna stick in you
I'm gunna put my bone in your ass
(he's the) Sexual Skeleton
if you come into my graveyard tonight
I promise you won't die of fright
you'll be bent over a head stone shouting 'please'
when i bang your thighs with my boney knees
I've got a bone to pick with you
it's the same bone i'm gunna stick in you
I'm gunna put my bone in your ass
(he's the) Sexual Skeleton
sexy sexy sexy skellington

Broken

posted in 2HTS134 on Oct 23, 2016
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i never knew you could break a boner in two
if you shoved it into the wrong hole
i never guessed the harm it would do
when i shoved my boner into the wrong hole
why are you screaming?
i'm the one who's bleeding
and my best friend is pointing straight down at the floor
no you can't fix it with mouth-to-mouth
but maybe popsicle duct tape
will keep it straight
i think I need to find a doctor
do you think it needs a cast?
you can get all of your friends to sign it
and i'll warn them about your ass.
why are you screaming?
i'm the one who's bleeding
and my best friend is pointing straight down at the floor
no you can't fix it with mouth-to-mouth
but maybe popsicle duct tape
will keep it straight

That Girl from School

posted in 2HTS133 on Oct 16, 2016
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Who's that girl walking down the street
she looks down at the heels but light on her feet
I think I saw her coming out of your calculus class
I would have asked you then but you had to dash
no one seems to know her name
but the A-O-Pi's say she's insane
on this campus we're all the same
she stands out by being plain
Who's that girl in the cable knit sweater
with the fraying cuffs i mean it barely fits her
I never see her at any wild parties
maybe she sulks in her dorm like she's Achilles
no one seems to know her name
but the A-O-Pi's say she's insane
on this campus we're all the same
she stands out by being plain.

Smart S M R T Smart

posted in 2HTS132 on Oct 09, 2016
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Do these glasses make me look smart
will people believe i understand modern art
they don't even have lenses they're only frames
accoutrements show my intelligence
my hipster beard proves that i know science
this internet t-shirt means my ideas make sense
now no one can tell that i'm actually dense
do these glasses make me look wise
and hide the vapid thoughts lurking behind my eyes
they don't even have lenses they're only frames

Fat Morgana

posted in 2HTS131 on Oct 02, 2016
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Fat Morgana is far away
when viewed from a distance she seems OK
something changes when she starts to get close
that's when you notice the cellulite rolls
Fat Morgana has a wart on her nose
and horizontal stripes all over her clothes
thermal inversion hides her weight
you'd need a bigger boat to accommodate...
...her fat ass
Fat Morgana on the horizon
doesn't look like she'd blot out the sun
maybe something funny is bending the light
making her look taller, slender and right
Fat Morgana is just a mirage
disguising herself with camouflage
thermal inversion hides her weight
you'd need a bigger boat to accommodate...
...her fat ass
nothing is what it seems
when you're looking across the sea
your eyes you cannot trust
they're occluded by your lust
nothing should be taken for granted
you just might get what you thought you wanted
your senses are being tricked
when light and temperature start to mix

Brown Carrots

posted in 2HTS130 on Sep 25, 2016
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if i give a carrot the urine from a pregnant rabbit
do you think the carrot will meet its demise?
if i leave a carrot in a room with a hungry badger
do you think that carrot is fated to die?
a carrot dies when it's robbed of its dignity
when you cut its tip off and stick it in your bum
a carrot cries when it's used inappropriately
when it is a dildo wrapped up in a condom
carrots want to live on the farm
carrots do not want to be shoved up your ass
carrots do not mean you harm
carrots do not need to hear about your past
carrots are just food
leave that kinky stuff for the cucumber
carrots think you're rude
save your fetishes for the zucchini

Golden Showers

posted in 2HTS129 on Sep 18, 2016
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open up your mouth
it's time for watersports
there are so many flavors waiting there
it's cold outside this will warm you up
no dear you won't need a cup
it will come to you in a liquid dream
in a wet and foamy stream
golden showers
soon you too will glitter
golden shower
tell your friends on twitter
now your thirst is quenched
and your shirt is drenched
you took it like a champ
though your hair's a little damp
hope you don't lose the thrill
when i tell you it's sterile
it came to you in a liquid dream
in a wet and foamy stream
golden shower
please don't make a fuss
golden shower
i ate asparagus

Petri Pussy

posted in 2HTS127 on Sep 04, 2016
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There's an entire world living in your crotch
millions of bacteria in a single splotch
is that smell coming from your vagina or your ass
it smells like a dumpster that's on fire
i think i'll pass
it's a petri dish between your legs
hepatitis AIDS and the Clap
i'll bet they find mushrooms growing in your pap

Forbidden Fruit of the Looms

posted in 2HTS126 on Aug 28, 2016
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Playing scratch and sniff with the forbidden
Fruit of the Looms that were hidden
for reasons that anyone would find obvious
but you're oblivious
wrinkling your nose in surprise by the brown stain
that remains
and it's plain
that it came
from someone's butthole
but "who knows?" you say
"Maybe it's pudding maybe it's gravy
I cannot know unless i am tasting..."
Forbidden Fruit of the Looms
wear them on your head and it spells doom
Forbidden Fruit of the Looms
the bacteria will send you to your tomb

E Equals BDSM Squared

posted in 2HTS125 on Aug 21, 2016
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you have to keep the amplitude quite low
other than that just let the voltage flow
you clamp the wires where they needed to go
now throw the switch and want her start to glow
ElectroBondage
she told you she liked to mix pleasure with pain
and can't get wet with any low-watt games
so now you've tied her to a wooden frame
and her lips are wired to the mains
ElectroBondage
you get concerned because she started to scream
she hasn't used her safeword yet it seems
you throw the switch and watch her start to convulse
it's kinda hot so you are not repulsed
ElectroBondage
Electric bondage is the latest fad
some girls like it others get mad
she also likes it when you tell her she's bad
unresolved issues she has with her dad
ElectroBondage

Hearts Melt like Forgotten Gelato

posted in 2HTS124 on Aug 14, 2016
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every time i look at you my heart begins to melt
cannot find the words to express what i have felt
a better man would tell you all the things you need to hear
a better man would not be paralyzed when you are near
my tongue is stuck inside my mouth
and my feelings can't come out
every time i think of you my heart begins to melt
can't pick up the phone cuz cowardice
is the hand that i was dealt
a better man would tell you all the things you need to hear
a better man would not be paralyzed when you are near
my tongue is stuck inside my mouth
and my feelings can't come out

(if you're upset that this is a normal song with normal words just pretend it's about like, anal, or something.)

Shy Chicken

posted in 2HTS123 on Aug 07, 2016
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hey there little chicken
no need to be shy
looking for a friend
i think i'm your guy
i can show you places
made for folks like us
and i'll show you how to get there
just jump on the bus
the timid chicken wants your hands off his thighs
he's not a rooster picking fights with other guys
the timid chicken is afraid of being hurt
in a world of vixens i guess that's pretty smart
hey chicken little, ever heard of a golden shower
have you ever had your oil changed
for over an hour?
what's that? your mommy's coming?
she was in that store?
i'll find you on the internet
and we can talk s'more.

Nineties Alternative

posted in 2HTS122 on Jul 31, 2016
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When you write a generic 90's alternative song
you need a metaphor about how society's wrong
then you have to add some distortion
whine about life and blow things out of proportion
care too much about your apathy
run around screaming 'no one listens to me'
Now you've written a generic 90's alternative song
write a note, slit your wrists don't do it wrong
you had to go and add some distortion
you whined about life and blew things out of proportion
cared too much about your apathy
you died screaming 'no one listened to me!'

Pigs in Space

posted in 2HTS121 on Jul 24, 2016
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When you're traveling through space
there's no need to hide your disgrace
without the bonds of gravity
fat girls can fill a need
you won't have to worry about being crushed
by someone who looks like Jabba the Hutt
you won't have to worry about being squeeze
by three hundred pounds crushing your testes
when you're between the stars
it doesn't matter who you meet in bars
in the dark all cats are gray
in space who cares what she weighs
Pigs in Spaaaaaaaace!

Breaking a Few Eggs

posted in 2HTS120 on Jul 17, 2016
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you must kill it inside the womb
you must murder it before it thrives
if you don't stop the egg from fertilizing
it will ruin your lives
you think that this will save your marriage
you couldn't be more wrong
you will have to pay for it through college
if you don't heed my song
why didn't you pull out when you had the chance
shoot that load in her eyes
you must make sure that this egg does not hatch
you have to make sure it dies
there are too many people
standing in front of me
why are you making more
i have to wait
too long at the deli
because you keep making more

Pokemoon

posted in 2HTS119 on Jul 10, 2016
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Lookin' to capture some Pokemon, gotta catch 'em all
Almost got arrested at Walmart for showin' my Pokeballs
I wonder around staring at my iPhone searching in my yard
all i seem to find are Mudkips, where's the Charizard?
I almost got a Pikachu, but when I told my mom
she said I needed to move out of the basement
and I should get a job
I wander around staring at my iPhone searching around my home
all i seem to find are Caterpies, I can't find a Gloom

MIA

posted in 2HTS118 on Jul 03, 2016
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Lost! Missing in action; are you at the beach or laid up in traction
Could you be hurt or just relaxin'
maybe next time you could leave us a note
Lost! No one can find you did you change your name and get a new hairdo
Only so much a search party can do
maybe i watch too much 'Murder She Wrote'
Where is antik? No one can find him
Gerson's frantic; this isn't like him
Phippo don't panic; don't go out on a limb
Lost! Where was he last seen?
was he on the dark web posting a dank meme
anybody know his daily routine
maybe check to see if he took his coat
Lost! will he answer his cell phone
do you think he's hiding 'cause he took out a mob loan
maybe he went skiing and broke his thigh bone
maybe he went sailing and fell off his boat
Where is antik? No one can find him
Entoen's frantic; this isn't like him
David don't panic; don't go out on a limb

(i hope he's OK)

Afternoon

posted in 2HTS117 on Jun 26, 2016
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Every day at three o'clock the school bus arrives
brings a tear of joy to my cataracted eyes
the stops sign comes out and the red lights flash
hope she didn't blab 'bout where she got that rash
her little wheelchair's coming up the ramp
my bathrobe's open and my pump is amped
the short bus comes every day at three
brings my little delight home to me
her mother left when she was only four
her dad's in jail for ten years or more
expensive treatments made the family poor
it's not so bad now she's a preschool whore
her little wheelchair's coming up the ramp
my bathrobe's open so my junk's not cramped
the short bus comes every day at three
brings my little delight home to me
(solo)
her little wheelchair's coming up the ramp
my bathrobe's open that's just life with gramps
the short bus comes every day at three
brings my little delight home to me

Daily Horrorscope

posted in 2HTS115 on Jun 12, 2016
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opened up the horrorscope it foretold death and murder
turning to the funny pages so i can laugh again
looking at Ziggy i felt the stars align
reading some Garfield my future is divined
all those holy rollers ain't got a thing on
the lady in the local paper doin' her prophecies
you can go to church or hang out around the temple
lady in the local paper's still writin' prophecies
Sagitarius! Today's the day for you
go out and get 'em, ask for that raise
lucky number 11 7 23 go play the lottery
see if it pays
opened up the horrorscope old gods want sacrifice
couple of virgins and an unblemished goat
maybe someone should write to the editor
'bout the lady in the local paper's dark prophecies
Sagitarius! Today's teh day for pain
go out and slay 'em, the old ones need praise
lucky number, 13 6 and 66 go play the lottery
see if it pays

Hail Satin

posted in 2HTS111 on May 15, 2016
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Hail Satan ruler of the night
bathe us your worshippers in unholy light
lord of the pit prince of dismay
we await your coming on the annointed day
rise up from the underworld eternity of pain
we will see you seated upon your throne again
1000 years of slaught misery and shame
blood is flowing down the streets and coming down like rain
hail satan father of lies
stirring in the graveyard the undead will arise
true king of earth, duke of diarrhea
did tell antik that mustache was a good idea

The Edge of Night

posted in 2HTS108 on Apr 24, 2016
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The Edge of Night was a pretty good soap opera
used to watch it after school when i stayed with grandma
it was set in a town called Monticello
not sure if i can write a whole song about this show
in a crime filled city for 28 years
detectives and attorneys would meet for beers
there was sex, there were drugs, there were gangsters too
The Edge of Night was a decent show
if i missed an episode grandma'd know
who shot who, were they caught, would there be a trial

S1R3N

posted in 2HTS106 on Apr 10, 2016
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these are uncharted waters
you've only head the legends
of creatures who look like women
luring wayward sailors with their song
they say it is beautiful; they call it irresistible
you've got 2 mortgages and kids that don't look like you
she goes out every night, doesn't come home til 2
you thought you were strong enough
that you were above temptation
it only affects the weak of mind you said
and those who lack purpose
you knew you were self-actualized
and would say no to their designs
you've got two mortgages and kids that don't look like you
she goes out every night and doesn't come home til 2
you thought you could ignore their song
these divorce papers say you were wrong

Surfin the Web

posted in 2HTS105 on Apr 03, 2016
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Surfin' on the web for internet porn
waitin' for a tide that'll take me to shore
Not certain if I'm searching for feltching or vore
just surfin' on the web for internet porn
GILFs drinking urine
barely legal scat
surfin' on the web for something like that
i worry that my browser might catch a disease
surfin' around on web-sites like these
my homepage is QueenSnake but that's just the norm
when you're surfin' the web looking for porn
bukkake babies
are something to see
surfin' the web sure beats the TV

The Monster

posted in 2HTS102 on Mar 13, 2016
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The Monster at the End of this Song

Close you eyes lay down to sleep
wretched thoughts into your mind will creep
if you ever wake up again
the horror will follow you beyond you bed
tell yourself it was all a dream
every morning wake up with a scream
if you ever wake up again
the horror will follow you beyong your bed
there's no way this could possibly be real
all your senses are aligned with what you feel
sweat-stained sheets sitting just below your mattress
blood-stained footprints leading off into the forest
cloudy memories that surely are imagined
the horror has followed you beyond your bed
pinch yourself and maybe you'll awaken
if you can't then your sanity's been taken
the bloody the knives the cries the screams
surely just part of your darkest dreams
when the sun rises there will be a new tomorrow
but whose teeth are these sitting underneath your pillow?
the horror has followed you beyond your bed.

Four Input Girl

posted in WHC4 on Feb 27, 2016
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I've searched high and low, I've searched near and far
my eyes were peeled while walking and driving in my car
I've waited through the decades and travelled 'round the world
looking for a four-input girl
Four input girl - wonder what the fourth is
four input girl - I'll shower her with riches
four input girl - she belongs in showbiz
unless... you think? She had a tracheotomy
all girls have a mouth
most girls have a cunt
some girls get excited
if you stick it in their butt
i know that somewhere out there
just waiting to be found
is a legendary four input girl
Four input girl - wonder what the fourth is
four input girl - I'll shower her with hot jizz
four input girl - she belongs in showbiz
unless... you think? She had a tracheotomy

Alone Again Unnaturally

posted in 2HTS99 on Feb 21, 2016
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I am not alone, I am self-sufficient
Don need others in my life, far too inefficient
I am like the wolf
who hunts without a pack
and i have a fleshlight
to drain what's in my sack
others seek out friends, i keep to myself
my silicone relief is right there on the shelf
I am like the wolf
who hunts without a pack
and i have a fleshlight
to drain what's in my sack

Flower Power

posted in 2HTS98 on Feb 14, 2016
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life of a flower is very short
seems you get stomped on as soon as you're born
life of a flower is very poor
bees looking for pollen wasps at your door
emerge from the earth fed only shit
all that you crave is someplace that's sunlit
arise from the dirt reach for the sun
whence comes the frost your time is done
life of a flower summer and spring
battling weeds where ivy is king
life of a flower so delicate
how pretty you look is irrelevant

Scat Porn Princess

posted in WHC2 on Feb 13, 2016
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Your daughter is a scat porn princess
tell us daddy, where did you touch her
one girl, too many cups
what is she doing with her butt
eww that's disgusting
your daughter is a scat porn princess
starring in films made in Germany

Dinosaurs

posted in 2HTS94 on Jan 17, 2016
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a million years before your birth
dinosaurs roamed the earth
their descendants are here today
still among us to our dismay
paying for their groceries with a check
spending saturday night at the discoteque
modern dinosaurs
there's to many to be ignored
they're on Friendster
or use MySpace
AOL is their base
befuddled by how to use an ATM
meanwhile people are stuck behind them
they're behind
they can't catch up
they slow us down
evolution's hiccup
when will they all
just go extinct
a cultural missing link
sending thank-you notes, a paper trail
paying all their bills through the mail

Another gd Goodbye Theme

posted in 2HTS93 on Jan 10, 2016
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Before you step in front of that bus
say goodbye to the people you must
like your family like your cat light your neighbors
and your friends
Before you jump in front of that train
remember all the people who are causing you pain
leave a voicemail, send a note, send an email
or a text
say goodbye
time to die
don't ask why (it's over)
One last thing to do...
Before you're splattered across the cement
consider the change you won't make a dent
you'll be crushed you'll be smashed you'll be dashed
you'll be dead
when the going gets tough
the tough don't put up with it
you should at least tell
those who might give a shit
it's the polite thing to do
before the end...

Motelbreath

posted in 2HTS92 on Jan 03, 2016
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Touring on the road, time to get some pussy
we roll into town we hope the girls are juicy
check into the motel lots of coke and whiskey
when we're done with the show you ought to get ready
for a
motel party with the band
groupie snatch is tight
motel party with the band
we'll rock and roll all night
in the van for days coming to your city
headline at the club now we're getting shitty
trashing every room, smashing every TV
puking in the pool, pissing on orgy
it's a
motel party with the band
groupie snatch is tight
motel party with the band
we'll rock and roll all night

chess death parcheesi life

posted in 2HTS91 on Dec 27, 2015
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play chess with death
play parcheesi with your life
play checkers with a knife
one night in Bangkok and I'll play Twister with your wife
but first i'll castle make your sister suck my giant fife
one night in Bangkok and i guess we'll smoke lots of meth
the odds are stacked against you when the opponent's death

Ass Ass In

posted in 2HTS90 on Dec 20, 2015
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Ass ass in, ass ass out
do you know what this song is about?
ass ass in, ass ass out
do it for money, never for pleasure
you only get paid for things they can measure
ass ass in, ass ass out
here are the bodies are the dearly departed
wondering aloud that you think someone farted
dollor your target wait for them to bend over
will they freak out like that blue monster grover?
ass ass in ass ass out
ass ass in ass ass out
cover their mouth you don't want them to shout
ass ass in ass ass out

The Worst Drop

posted in 2HTS88 on Dec 06, 2015
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Where was the worst place you've ever taken a shit?
Was it that time in the Chuck E. Cheese ball-pit?
you felt something start to pop
that your buttcheeks just couldn't stop
was that the worst drop?
the management got mad
they even yelled at your dad
the birthday boy was sad
his party was ruined
remember that time you tried to take a deuce
you wiggled and shook but nothing would come loose
it felt like it would fill a bucket
but it was just a little nugget
was that the worst drop?

Cult of Lunatics

posted in 2HTS83 on Nov 08, 2015
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Pentagrams, virgin sacrifice
altar of bone, sacred chants
iron knives, hoods of black
join us in our unholy dance
summoning the nameless one
bathe in fire when we're done
age of darkness soon to come
satanic rituals should be fun!
ARISE! From the pit
New world order, this is it
ARISE! And blot the sun
The Moon cult has won
legions of damned
roaming the earth
eldritch creatures giving birth
crawling chaos, blackened sky
the lucky ones are first to die
inverted crosses, bowls of blood
summoning the nameless one
bathe in fire when we're done
age of darkness soon to come

Movember Rain

posted in 2HTS82 on Nov 01, 2015
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Why is there a lump on my testicle?
Should I wait or will it go away?
Should I see a doctor today?
is there a cure or is it just a delay
should I take a potion that they sell in Bombay?

Digging for Love

posted in 2HTS81 on Oct 25, 2015
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deep beneath the earth fulfill your desire
life and death and birth burning like a fire
body's two days old and there are no maggots
lust for someone cold you will have no regrets
digging for love - in all the right places
digging for love - imagine pale faces
her parts are getting dry
moisturizer mass supply
eyes are open no surprise
no small talking no more lies
rigor mortis makes her stiff
formaldehyde catch a whiff
the nails and hairs are long of course
when you make love to a corpse

Brown Acid Discount

posted in 2HTS80 on Oct 18, 2015
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phone call to Lucifer charges reversed
travel across the galaxy in an interstellar hearse
flowers across the warpath
peace in our time
flower across the warpath
let's do another line
Beelzebub's ansaphone leave a message make it terse
open Titan's gateway Calliope will sail the universe
Baphomet is skyping us, Belial's on the other line
Traveling between the stars like
surfing the channels in your mind

The Deity

posted in 2HTS79 on Oct 11, 2015
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I am the god of earth and sea
if you are smart you'll venerate me
i am the lord of the wind and the air
if i'm displeased i'll put bugs in your hair
no not up there... check your underwear
i'm a deity who demands sacrifice
i can show wrath or i can be nice
when i am angered hand out pubic lice
i am the god of land and lake
give propitiations for heaven's sake
i am the lord of storm and sky
bow at my alter or soon you will die
no don't ask why... oh why do you cry

Goodbye Butt Plug

posted in 2HTS78 on Oct 04, 2015
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goodbye old friend, never thought this is how it would end
was it all a scam? i heard they took the money and ran
we had some good times, bought a subscription
dropped a few dimes
up at two am, heard some new songs a made a few friends
was it all a scam? i heard they took the money and ran
it's good to get out while you can
now we're here on dubtrack fm
learning a new interface again
will it shut down? just a matter of when

Portal into Darkness

posted in 2HTS76 on Sep 20, 2015
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You say this portal only has one direction
I'll prove you wrong I even brought the protection
you think this way only leads into darkness
I think you're doing us both a disservice
Come with me to a different dimension
let's do something new
Venture through the unlit hallway, it's just me and you
You think this path only has one direction
Baby, I know two
Come with me to a different dimension
let's do something new
this discussion is not an election,
I'll tell you what to do.

Some of All Fears

posted in 2HTS73 on Aug 30, 2015
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I'm afraid of winning and I'm afraid of losing
I'm afraid of picking I'm terrified of choosing
I'm of dying I'm terrified by living
I'm afraid of everything, I'm afraid of everything
I'm am scared of you, I am scared of him
I am scared of her, I am scared of me
I'm afraid of spiders and I'm afraid of heights
I'm terrified by pretty girls so please turn on the lights
I'm horrified by the outdoors i like to stay inside
I'm want to stay within my home where i can sit and hide
I am scared of you, I am scared of him
I am scared of her, I am scared of me
I am scared of me
I am scared of me

Badass

posted in 2HTS72 on Aug 23, 2015
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A man road into town on a black horse
cavalry sword on his belt, six gun on his hip
there were a lot of unsavory characters there living at the time
Big Jake Tomkins who used to doublepark his stage-coach
Slick Ernie who cut the tags off of mattresses
a host of other folks who were usually up to no good
the man walked into Blind Billy's Saloon
Stepping over a mess left by someone who didn't clean up after his dog
his gun was in one hand, his sword in the other
pretty soon the walls were painted in blood
He killed Tom Neidermeyer, the guy who used to cut people in line
He beheaded Tara Lloyd who always brought more than 12 items to the express lane
when the man rode off into the distances, i was the only one left alive
which is surprising considering i have a barn full of dead prostitutes.

Vidya Killed the 2HTS Star

posted in 2HTS71 on Aug 16, 2015
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Video games! Are they good for my brain?
or will they drive me insane?
and do they all seem the same?
Hot Pockets!
And livin' in mom's basement
Drinkin' lots of Mountain Dew
And wonderin' where my days went
Team speak! Trash talking people I don't know
Played Warcraft an entire week
I don't know where my time goes
Call of Duty
and Modern War
I still don't know
What this button's for...
Doritos!
and livin' in mom's basement
Drinkin' lots of Rock Star!
And wonderin' where my days went...

Imprisoned with the Pharaohs

posted in 2HTS70 on Aug 09, 2015
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an eldritch flight through stygian space
to the glamour of a saracenic surface
guided there by Abdul Reis
primordial necromancer
Imprisoned with the Pharaohs buried for eternity
Imprisoned with the Pharaohs i hope it's all just a dream
surrounded by monstrosities
worshipping their god of the dead
what loathsome abnormality
does the Sphinx represent?
padding clicking walking stalking
rumbling lumbering creeping crawling
fiendish charnel atmosphere
Nitocris, King Khephren's ghoul-queen

Your Services Are No Longer Required

posted in 2HTS69 on Aug 02, 2015
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Farewells are hard to say
wish I could put it a different way
the time has come for sayin' goodbye
it kinda brings a tear to my eye
I kidnapped a replacement for you
this rape dungeon wasn't build for two
so you must depart
I know that you say you won't tell anyone
believe me when i say this isn't much fun
I have to watch the light leave from your eyes
the time has come for sayin' goodbyes
I'll plant a tree where i bury your corpse
and i'll visit on your birthday of course
there's no point in asking me why
the time has come for sayin' goodbye.

Desert Island Dick

posted in 2HTS68 on Jul 26, 2015
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Here on this deserted island
I'm along but that don't mean i'm cryin'
I've invented coconut lube (what's that?)
I just sit back and think of you
Here where the sun is blazin'
near the waterfall i'm just lazin'
I made a fleshlight from a bamboo tube (what's that?)
I just sit back and think of you
Here where the palm trees are swayin'
I'm alone with myself I am playin'
Despite the sand in my pubes
I just sit back and think of you.

Queen of 39th Street

posted in 2HTS67 on Jul 19, 2015
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Is my tiara straight
is my lipstick right
is my carriage late
is my corset tight
will i find a good fuck
to believe my lies
will my dick stay tucked
up between my thighs
is this a good time
for a hormone injection
if i concentrate
will that prevent an erection
i don't know
Queen of 39th street
Do my breasts look real
can you tell by feel
or the way they bounce
into bed i flounce
will the bar be safe
have we turned a page
or will ignorant men
fly into ignorant rage
are my legs waxed smooth
will i find my groove
are my arms shaved clean
it doesn't matter
i am the king of queens

Pale Moon

posted in 2HTS66 on Jul 12, 2015
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Pale moon in the night
pantaloons ankle height
look to my window and what do you see
my exposed buttocks, obviously
i show the people what i think of them
...not very much
and soon they'll call the cops
i've shown them things that i should not
my room, it's where i feel safe
i'm a buffoon, it's how i behave

Dope

posted in 2HTS65 on Jul 05, 2015
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I'm kinda stupid, yeah I'm a 'tard
get into politics with signs in my yard
at night I sit back and watch the TV
I don't want scripted, give me reality
They say 'stupid is as stupid does'
I fit right in, this is America
Vote for the guy says he's fighting for me
they always lie, but this year we'll see
I love the music they pipe into the stores
Like Kanye West, Taylor Swift and the Doors
I only buy the things I'm told to enjoy
I think books are a communist ploy
At the checkout I read magazines
Celebrities are important to me

The Rains to Come

posted in 2HTS64 on Jun 28, 2015
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See the clouds forming on the horizon
clouds are brewing sky starts to turn red
first gentle patter, then a deluge
hot white and sticky, holy splooge!
Drowning in the rain of come
Drowning in the rain of come
Drowning in the rain of come
Gods f***ing in the sky
Drowning in the rain of come
Drowning in the rain of come
Drowning in the rain of come
Don't get it in your eye.
Jizz falling from the heavens
burning with Celestial life
see from the divinities
cutting through you like a knife
what it touches comes alive
what is living soon may die
tastes like salt, smells like bleach
pouring down in mortal reach

Sally Struthers

posted in 2HTS61 on Jun 07, 2015
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Just 12 cents a day
can feed my entire tribe
just 12 cents a day
enough for us to thrive
just 12 cents a day
the price of a cup of coffee
in 1973
just 12 cents a day

RPG - WerldMap

posted in 2HTS60 on May 31, 2015
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Welcome to the world map, not choose where to go
That zone's underwater that one is snow
world map choose a place
don't rush it's not a race
world map pick a zone
world map you can't go home
welcome to the world map now choose where to go
don't click the question mark, that's a locked zone
world map choose a place
don't rush it's not a race
world map pick a zone
world map you can't go home
welcome to the world map, now choose someplace nice
that zone's a desert, that one is ice
collect all the gemstones to unlock the lost world
that zone stays hidden til you find the black pearl
world map choose a place
don't rush it's not a race
world map pick a zone
world map you can't go home

Mister Winkie

posted in 2HTS58 on May 17, 2015
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Let me tell you about my friend, I call him Mister Winkie
Shorter than my thumb thinner than my pinkie
that's him, Mister Winkie
When he's erect he doesn't get larger
he doesn't get wider
he just gets harder.

Schoolhouse Cock

posted in 2HTS55 on Apr 26, 2015
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Just relax, I know it's your first time
Just lay back, you know i wouldn't lie
to you
I'll try to take it slow, i'll just put in the tip
think happy thoughts, it'll only hurt a bit
to you
when i slip it in you'll feel some pain
think of all the pleasure you will gain
you are the most mature girl
in the first grade
see, how's that? it wasn't so bad
i bet you liked it don't be mad
stop crying
i'll get a towel and wipe away the blood
don't tell any grownups that we were making love
it's a crime
when i slipped it in you felt some pain
think of all the pleasure you have gained
you are my favourite student in first grade

Spring is for Lovers

posted in 2HTS51 on Mar 29, 2015
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In the spring when the flowers are blooming
the bees and birds begin their grooming
the smell of sex is in the weather
rolling in the mountain heather
behind the bar next to a dumpster
i got a blowjob from a chubby monster
spring
is here
again

CH: When the temperature starts to get warm
and the girls wanna go outside
there's always an ugly slob
who'll suck on your knob

in the spring it's a time for mating
one-night stands and serial dating
at last call when your prospects are low
don't be picky or you'll never go
behind the bar next to the dumpster
and get a blowjob from a chubby monster
spring
is here
again

CH

Forbidden Love (The Interview)

posted in 2HTS50 on Mar 22, 2015
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Livin' here on the farm
here's a story i hope won't alarm
at night when everyone's asleep
i had my way with the sheep

Forbidden love won't be denied
there's not a hole i haven't tried
i share my seed with the animal kingdom

Workin' here at the zoo
let me tell you what i like to do
i wait until they leave and then
i dance naked in the lion's den

Those are a couple places i worked
i hope this job has similar perks
can't wait to be a substitute
at this special needs preschool

Forbidden love won't be denied
there's not a hole i haven't tried
i share my seed with the animal kingdom

Kick Ass Escalade

posted in 2HTS48 on Mar 08, 2015
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Check out the rims on my kick ass Escalade
babe, we're ownin' the road
Gunna pull over in my kick ass Escalade
so you can swallow my load
The panties drop for my kick ass Escalade
ass, gas or grass is the code
Kick ass Escalade knockin' off pedestrians
we terrorize the street
We hit McDonald's and we broke the drive-thru
we needed somethin' to eat
hear the speakers on my kick ass Escalade
they can rattle your mind
Take up 2 spaces in every parking lot
it don't fit in the lines
let's rock 'n roll in my kick ass Escalade
across the county we roam
great MPG in my kick ass Escalade
10 gallons might get us home
Kick ass Escalade knockin' off pedestrians
we terrorize the street
We hit McDonald's and we broke the drive-thru
we needed somethin' to eat
Kick ass Escalade knockin' over traffic cones
we terrorize the road
Kick ass Escalade try to race a moving train
oh shit it's gunna explode

Awake Just Be Cos

posted in 2HTS39 on Jan 04, 2015
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Awaken little girl
and try to guess where i stuck
my Puddin' Pop

Wake up little girl
you've been asleep for a very long time
you came over last night
asking for a little advice
I offered you a drink
You fell into a very deep sleep
now guess where I stuck my Puddin' Pop

(right up there)
Votes (4)
Round Date
2HTS102 Mar 14, 2016
2HTS100 Feb 28, 2016
OHC308 Sep 04, 2014
2HTS18 Aug 11, 2014